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Apocryphal Buffy II
Andrew Jorgensen - November 30 2001
INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT So, is there going to be a stripper? BUFFY No. ANYA Since the unfortunate incident with Tara, you're one of my only three remaining female acquaintances. And since I need bridesmaids, we decided not to go the gratuitous nudity route, seeing as you're too young. WILLOW And I'm too gay. DAWN So what do we do now? We've given you your presents. ANYA I've got movies. We could watch movies. I've got Wall Street. And The Fountainhead. With Gregory Peck. BUFFY Chick flicks. ANYA They're classic love stories. They tell the timeless tale of "boy meets money, boy falls in love with money . . . " BUFFY Not loving the capitalist tear-jerkers, Anya. WILLOW Ooh! We could find a demon to fight! (Anya glares at her) A festive demon, with party hats and hors d'oeuvres. The front door opens. Xander enters, followed closely by Spike. Xander is out of breath and both are covered in soot. (panting) Dragon. At the Bronze. Eating. Breathing. Fire. Lots of fire. And smoke. Too much smoke. BUFFY You went to the Bronze for your bachelor party? Lame much? SPIKE (walks to Buffy) What the blushing bridegroom here is saying is that there's a four-headed dragon rampant and bent on destruction. So I say that the Slayer and I gather ourselves some weapons and go kill this thing. See if we can salvage some fun out of this evening. BUFFY (stands) You're dirty. SPIKE You like me dirty, pet. They embrace. Xander gathers himself and starts towards the table. It says that it's going to eat everyone in Sunnydale and then destroy the world and-- (notices Buffy and Spike kissing) it can't do it soon enough. ANYA Four-headed? SPIKE (feels face) Wot? Am I bumpy? (to Buffy) Sometimes I lose control. ANYA A four-headed dragon, right? 'Cause that's Teddy. WILLOW You know a four-headed dragon? Did you invite a four-headed dragon to your wedding? ANYA Teddy the tetracephalosaurus. He's good people. XANDER An, he's eating everyone. ANYA Well, yes, there's the whole "intent on bringing about the apocalypse" thing, but he never welshes on a debt. He's fiscally responsible. That's an important quality in a demon. Buffy disengages from Spike and picks up a sword. Well, in other dimensions that may make him a good credit risk, but here he's still Slayer bait. She and Spike start for the door. But the thing about Teddy is that he can only be hurt by humans. So a vampire and a -- whatever it is you said you are now -- don't stand a chance. Buffy and Spike turn back towards the table. But he can be killed by any human being, right? ANYA Not by you, honey. You're too fragile. He is a four-headed fire-breathing dragon, after all. DAWN Well, I've been getting pretty good at kicking the demon butt. Admittedly, that last one was pretty much all butt, but . . . WILLOW Don't remind me. BUFFY No. DAWN Come on. Please? BUFFY You are not fighting a dragon, and that's final. DAWN (pouting) Aww. SPIKE Now, little lady, you heard your sister. You've got that essay on "Great Expectations" due on Monday and you won't get any violence until it's done. DAWN But Spike . . . SPIKE I'm putting my foot down. DAWN I liked you so much better when you were trying to kill my sister. She storms off, slamming the door behind her. (to Spike) You are still evil, right? 'Cause I'm losing track. BUFFY Anyway, this tetris-fellow-saurus -- ANYA Teddy. He prefers it if you call him Teddy. BUFFY -- this Teddy, he can be killed by humans. But the human has to be armed, right? With what? XANDER I vote rocket launcher. No problem a good rocket launcher can't solve. WILLOW Can you get us back on the Army Base? Do you still remember your G.I.Q.? XANDER Except for that one problem. ANYA You could use a Glaive of Rhadyxmantril. WILLOW I think we have one of those. I saw it last week, in housewares and cutlery. ANYA (goes to counter) Let me check the inventory. (checks the computer) Damn! Sold it this morning. Damn my ex-demon work ethic! SPIKE So, what you're saying is, we're all going to die. In that case, I think Buffy and I will head downstairs. Fit in some training before the end. ANYA There's always magic. Teddy can be killed with magic. Kind of his Achilles' heel. BUFFY Well, we're in a magic shop. We've got plenty of magic books. Let's see what we can whip together. ANYA No, this can't be your amateur, fifth birthday party, watch me pull a -- I can't even say it -- sort of magic. It's got to be high-powered stuff. Only someone who really knows what she's doing can use the kind of magic that will kill Teddy. BUFFY So we need someone capable of using the darkest magics. XANDER Not just any old Sabrina. SPIKE A real kick-ass little Wicca. All turn to Willow. I need to make a phone call. She goes to the phone on the counter and starts to dial. The phone RINGS as we cut to: INT. HALLWAY, SUNNYDALE HALFWAY HOUSE - NIGHT A demonic arm extends the handset of the communal phone to Ethan Rayne, who idly plays with a 2-year chip from Magiholics Anonymous. Willow. What can I do for you? INTERCUT It's my friends, Ethan. They really need me to help them out with some magic. ETHAN Now, Willow. We talked about codependency. Your friends are just acting as enablers, forcing you back down into the hole you've worked so hard to get up out of. Remember, you can't help your friends if you can't help yourself. WILLOW But if I don't do some magic, the world's gonna end! ETHAN (holds hand over mouthpiece and barks at someone or something off-camera) Moglur! Wait your turn! What do you need the phone for anyway? You've got telepathy! (back into phone) It always seems that way. Listen to me, Willow. I'm your sponsor. I'm here to help you, mostly by providing an example of where magic can lead. Oh, it seems so necessary at the time. Do a spell, prevent an apocalypse. But look where that kind of thinking can lead. Do you really want to be forty-eight years old and sharing a bedroom with Slimor the Odoriferous? WILLOW No, I guess not. ETHAN Then do yourself a favor and don't listen to your friends. Listen to your higher power. Now I want to hear you say our creed. INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT (by rote) Blind Cadria, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change without using magic, the strength to unmagically change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference without magical assistance of any sort. Electricity CRACKLES as magic energy courses through Willow's body. Her eyes take on a dark hue and then seem to glaze over. She hangs up the phone. Well, Red? What's it going to be? WILLOW (mechanically) One day at a time. ANYA Are we going to die, or what? WILLOW One day at a time. One day at a time. BUFFY Willow? WILLOW One day -- EXT. THE WORLD - NIGHT The world ends. BLACK OUT.
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