Apocryphal Buffy II
Andrew Jorgensen - November 30 2001
INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT
So, is there going to be a stripper?
Since the unfortunate incident with Tara,
you're one of my only three remaining
female acquaintances. And since I need
bridesmaids, we decided not to go the
gratuitous nudity route, seeing as you're
And I'm too gay.
So what do we do now? We've given you
I've got movies. We could watch movies.
I've got Wall Street. And The Fountainhead.
With Gregory Peck.
They're classic love stories. They tell
the timeless tale of "boy meets money,
boy falls in love with money . . . "
Not loving the capitalist tear-jerkers,
Ooh! We could find a demon to fight!
(Anya glares at her)
A festive demon, with party hats and
The front door opens. Xander enters, followed closely by Spike. Xander is out of breath and both are covered in soot.
Dragon. At the Bronze. Eating.
Breathing. Fire. Lots of fire. And
smoke. Too much smoke.
You went to the Bronze for your
bachelor party? Lame much?
(walks to Buffy)
What the blushing bridegroom here
is saying is that there's a four-headed
dragon rampant and bent on
destruction. So I say that the Slayer
and I gather ourselves some weapons
and go kill this thing. See if we can
salvage some fun out of this evening.
You like me dirty, pet.
They embrace. Xander gathers himself and starts towards the table.
It says that it's going to eat everyone
in Sunnydale and then destroy the
(notices Buffy and Spike kissing)
it can't do it soon enough.
Wot? Am I bumpy?
Sometimes I lose control.
A four-headed dragon, right? 'Cause
You know a four-headed dragon? Did
you invite a four-headed dragon to
Teddy the tetracephalosaurus. He's
An, he's eating everyone.
Well, yes, there's the whole "intent
on bringing about the apocalypse"
thing, but he never welshes on a debt.
He's fiscally responsible. That's an
important quality in a demon.
Buffy disengages from Spike and picks up a sword.
Well, in other dimensions that may
make him a good credit risk, but here
he's still Slayer bait.
She and Spike start for the door.
But the thing about Teddy is that he
can only be hurt by humans. So a
vampire and a -- whatever it is you
said you are now -- don't stand a chance.
Buffy and Spike turn back towards the table.
But he can be killed by any human
Not by you, honey. You're too fragile.
He is a four-headed fire-breathing
dragon, after all.
Well, I've been getting pretty good
at kicking the demon butt. Admittedly,
that last one was pretty much all
butt, but . . .
Don't remind me.
Come on. Please?
You are not fighting a dragon,
and that's final.
Now, little lady, you heard your sister.
You've got that essay on "Great
Expectations" due on Monday and you
won't get any violence until it's done.
But Spike . . .
I'm putting my foot down.
I liked you so much better when you
were trying to kill my sister.
She storms off, slamming the door behind her.
You are still evil, right? 'Cause I'm
Anyway, this tetris-fellow-saurus --
Teddy. He prefers it if you call him Teddy.
-- this Teddy, he can be killed by humans.
But the human has to be armed, right?
I vote rocket launcher. No problem a
good rocket launcher can't solve.
Can you get us back on the Army Base?
Do you still remember your G.I.Q.?
Except for that one problem.
You could use a Glaive of Rhadyxmantril.
I think we have one of those. I saw it last
week, in housewares and cutlery.
(goes to counter)
Let me check the inventory.
(checks the computer)
Damn! Sold it this morning. Damn my
ex-demon work ethic!
So, what you're saying is, we're all going
to die. In that case, I think Buffy and I
will head downstairs. Fit in some training
before the end.
There's always magic. Teddy can be
killed with magic. Kind of his Achilles' heel.
Well, we're in a magic shop. We've got
plenty of magic books. Let's see what
we can whip together.
No, this can't be your amateur, fifth
birthday party, watch me pull a --
I can't even say it -- sort of magic. It's
got to be high-powered stuff. Only
someone who really knows what she's
doing can use the kind of magic that
will kill Teddy.
So we need someone capable of using
the darkest magics.
Not just any old Sabrina.
A real kick-ass little Wicca.
All turn to Willow.
I need to make a phone call.
She goes to the phone on the counter and starts to dial. The phone RINGS as we cut to:
INT. HALLWAY, SUNNYDALE HALFWAY HOUSE - NIGHT
A demonic arm extends the handset of the communal phone to Ethan Rayne, who idly plays with a 2-year chip from Magiholics Anonymous.
Willow. What can I do for you?
It's my friends, Ethan. They really
need me to help them out with some
Now, Willow. We talked about
codependency. Your friends are just
acting as enablers, forcing you back
down into the hole you've worked so
hard to get up out of. Remember,
you can't help your friends if you
can't help yourself.
But if I don't do some magic, the world's gonna end!
(holds hand over mouthpiece
and barks at someone or
Moglur! Wait your turn! What do you
need the phone for anyway? You've
(back into phone)
It always seems that way. Listen to
me, Willow. I'm your sponsor. I'm
here to help you, mostly by providing
an example of where magic can lead.
Oh, it seems so necessary at the time.
Do a spell, prevent an apocalypse.
But look where that kind of thinking
can lead. Do you really want to be
forty-eight years old and sharing a
bedroom with Slimor the Odoriferous?
No, I guess not.
Then do yourself a favor and don't
listen to your friends. Listen to your
higher power. Now I want to hear
you say our creed.
INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT
Blind Cadria, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
without using magic, the strength to
unmagically change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference
without magical assistance of any sort.
Electricity CRACKLES as magic energy courses through Willow's body. Her eyes take on a dark hue and then seem to glaze over. She hangs up the phone.
Well, Red? What's it going to be?
One day at a time.
Are we going to die, or what?
One day at a time. One day at a time.
One day --
EXT. THE WORLD - NIGHT
The world ends.