DAWN
(exasperated)
Past participle? Indirect object?
Subjunctive clause? I know it's not a
verb because, well, it's not verby.

BUFFY
Ok. First my blue silk blouse, now my
watcher. Dawn, I think you have a problem.

DAWN
Ms. Palmer is having us diagram sentences.
I think it's an effect of the Hellmouth.
That and the stigmata.

GILES
Occupational hazard in the Sunnydale
school system.

DAWN
It's hellish. Buffy, when you were in
hell, did you have to diagram sentences?

GILES
I would expect that the torments your
sister experienced were less, um,
educational.

BUFFY
Dawn, I need to speak to Giles alone.

DAWN
How am I supposed to learn English without
help from an actual English speaker?

BUFFY
Dawn.

DAWN
All right. I'll go. Spike's English.
Plus, he said he nicked an X-Box.
(stands)
Was there a famous thief named Nick?

BUFFY
Hey, as long as she doesn't start dressing
like Drusilla, I think we're cool.

GILES
Yes. Couldn't have that.

BUFFY
Giles?

GILES
After all, when you tried it, the results
were disastrous.

BUFFY
I wasn't in hell.

GILES
(evenly)
You weren't in hell.

BUFFY
No. I don't know where I was, but I felt
at peace, serene even. I felt loved and
loving--washed over with love. And I
knew I was complete. That it--the
hardship, the work, the pain--were
all over. I think it was heaven.

GILES
Oh.
(cleans his glasses)
Buffy?

BUFFY
Yes?

GILES
I don't mean to sound dismissive, but
all the texts are quite clear. There
are an infinity of hells, but not one
heaven.

BUFFY
(taken aback)
Not one.

GILES
I think that what you experienced, when
you leapt into the portal, was a moment
of great resolve, of clarity and of,
well, love. The greatest love a person
can feel. It was a moment that the
Buddhists might call satori. You felt
a great understanding, of what you
are and of what it all meant. It was an
enviable moment. I sometimes wish that
I could have such a moment--without
the death, of course. And then the
endorphins would have kicked in. You
wouldn't have felt any pain, only peace.
The portal also would have a dilatory
effect on time, so that what to you felt
like eternity was, in fact, just seconds.

BUFFY
Just seconds.

GILES
And then the 147 days you were dead would
have made no impression on your memories
at all, so when you awoke, the last thing
you remembered was your moment of death.
You had no actual experience of being
dead. Just dying and then, I suppose
the word is, undying.

BUFFY
So, what you're saying is, I was just dead?

GILES
Yes.

BUFFY
No Heaven. Just dead.

GILES
I'm afraid so.

BUFFY
Well, in that case, I owe Willow an icee.