Once More in Cyberspace
Dedalus - October 24, 2002

FICTIONARY CORNER EVENT
AN EXISTENTIAL SCOOBY PRODUCTION

ATPOBTVS: THE MUSICAL
ONCE MORE IN CYBERSPACE

Brought to you by: Dedalus

Disclaimer: Well, this is it. This is what I think would happen if everyone who went to post on the ATPoBtVS forum spontaneously burst into song and dance. This is rooted pretty solidly in "Once More With Feeling," although obviously with new, rewritten songs and many more characters. I'm surprised I got as many names in as I did, but to get everyone would have been a feat too much for me. Posters not directly appearing in the musical or the cast are still mentioned. This is filled with in-jokes from everything to our chat room to the show itself. I think of it as an affectionate comedy, and it is dedicated to Existential Scoobies everywhere. The music that should be playing in your heads as you read is courtesy of Joss Whedon.

Beta reader: LittleBit

Cast

Age
Agent156
Anom
Anthony8
Aquitaine
Collinwood
Dead Soul
Deeva
Dedalus
d'Herblay
Dichotomy
Dochawk
Julia
LadyStarlight
Liquidram
Little Bit
Masquerade
Mundusmundi
NightRepair
OnM
Rahael
Redcat
Rob
Ronia
Rufus
Shadowcat
Sheri
Solitude1056
Spotjon
Sully
VampRiley
Wisewoman
Zargon

and reintroducing the Trollbot.

ONCE MORE IN CYBERSPACE

Part One

Setting: The Internet

INT. An ATPoBtVS Bedroom

Our tale begins in a cyber-bedroom, one that is decorated trendily as well as tastefully. A cyberclock suddenly goes off, disrupting the silence. There is movement under the covers of the bed. A very blurry-eyed Masquerade emerges, only to just lean over and hit the snooze button. She's obviously not quite ready for another day on the voy boards with her faithful crew of intrepid Buffy philosophers.

INT. The ATPoBtVS House

The digital residence of all the Existential Scoobies. The walls, the ceilings, and even the floors are all white, looking not unlike the loading program from "The Matrix." The furniture in each room is mostly confined to beds, dressers, and the occasional vanity mirror.

All throughout the big house the Existential Scoobies are either still snuggled in their little beds (but not together!) (well, usually) or just waking up to face another day. A few are in the process of wiping the sleep out of their eyes and the dust out of their enormous brains. As always, this crew has got a very big day ahead of them, for it is their destiny to fill the internet with their knowledge - or at the very least baffle it with bullshit.

(Just between us, most of the time it's the latter)

Anyway, a poster named Rahael is brushing her hair in one room, while one called NightRepair is making up her bed in another. A girl named Julia is trying to get in the bathroom downstairs, but a vain little guy known as Dedalus is hogging it as always, prettying himself up. A poster known as d'Herblay is taking far too much time deciding which leather jacket he should wear that day, while his friend LittleBit is already out the door and ready to go. In one room, a boy named Rob is still fast asleep, tuckered out from his non-stop Buffy cheerleading.

EXT. The Posting Board

Just a modem's throw away from the Scooby house is the posting board itself, where all the intellectual action happens. Like everything else, it's a rather conspicuous shade of white. It's only real distinguishing features are the computer consoles that are placed all over it, though it also has a nice meeting area and countless bookshelves that are constantly used for scholarly research. A few pictures are on the walls, either of Friedrich Nietzsche or a shirtless James Marsters. One post is already heading for the internet, and it's titled "Willow and Wittgenstein."

Several posters are already logged onto the board, but not all are working. A girl named Zargon is kindly putting an afghan over the shoulders of a prolific writer called Shadowcat, who once again has fallen asleep in a book the night before and is still dozing peacefully. Two fiancees known as Mundusmundi and Aquitaine are idly flipping through the latest issue of "Existential Scooby Weddings." A poster named Collinwood is there too, organizing the next Dragoncon meet for the coming year, which anyone reading this should be thinking about attending.

Anyway, as everyone slowly gets awake enough to log on to the board, d'Herblay finally arrives now that he's got a cool leather jacket to his liking. Before he can even sit down to type, however, he spots an oddly gnarled figure on the outskirts of the board - one that is carrying what appears to be a fishing pole. He can only shake his head, for he's been around long enough to know what that means. He hopes that Masquerade is finally out and about so she can take care of it.

EXT. The Archives

Masquerade is indeed up, though yawning rather widely. She is stealthily making her way among the graves of posts long since archived. They don't inspire her as they once did, and she doesn't know why. Her responsibilities are pretty involving, especially with the troll population on the rise. It is rare that she feels like this, but sometimes she does. However, she never suddenly breaks into song about it, which is exactly what she does this morning.

Masquerade
Every single line the same philosophizing
Shippers only whine then pine.
I can hardly stand all this trivializing -
No post here is good, no post here is fine.

From behind an archived post, three trolls suddenly attack, but she continues singing as she fights with them. The choreography is really impressive.

Masquerade
I've been conducting polls and banning trolls
Without getting on any rolls
For I've been surfing through the archives
Skimming down the post.
Nothing even inspires me as the host!

I was always smart and quite intellectual
Now I find it all boring.
Log on to your site you find this type
Just doesn't mean a thing.

Trolls
Your posts don't have much zing!

Masquerade
Now your neck I'll wring!

Trolls
Yes we're pretty pale, we're trolls from hell
And as we spam e-mail,
She's just surfing through the archives
Banning us for show.
She's not even half the philosopher - nooo!

Grabbing the last troll by the ear, Masquerade casually tosses him off the site and walks on, spotting a lovely lass tied to a digital tree. She goes to free her.

Masquerade
Will I host this way forever?
Surf right through the posts whenever?

Newly Freed Lass
How can I relay -

Masquerade
Real clever.

I don't like this way!

Surfing through the archives
Not interested anymore.
I can't post and play!
I may as well go read Fray!

And I don't want hosting to be a chore!!!

The music dies out as magically as it began, and Masquerade gives a little sigh before going back to work on the archives.

EXT. The Posting Board

An hour or so passes, and things are beginning to get a bit tense for our heroes, the Existential Scoobies. Some old posters have logged off, and some new ones have logged on. Before long a poster named LadyStarlight comes in, and she finds a full house. A reviewer named OnM is there, working diligently on his Movie of the Week. Wisewoman is there as well, flipping though strange mystic cards. Two posters called Dochawk and Sheri are conversing about the latest episode of Buffy, while LittleBit and Collinwood are still talking about Robin Sachs and his pricey autographs. A chatter named Sully is sitting quietly in a corner.

Everyone responds to the newcomer in near unison.

All
Hello, LadyStarlight!

LadyStarlight
How is everyone doing?

Dochawk
We're doing!

LittleBit
And we're still out fifteen dollars!

OnM
Look, at least you got to go to Dragoncon.
You even got to hang out with Dedalus!
What more do you want?

LittleBit thought a moment, and then conceded the point.

Sheri
Say, did anyone read Rufus' latest post?
It was thought-provoking.
It provoked my thoughts.

Wisewoman
Chocolate and cheekbones.
It doesn't get any more Canadian than that.

LadyStarlight
Um, speaking of the board,
has anyone had a problem,
uh, posting recently?

Dochawk
Of course not!
We all know how reliable voy is.
That's crazy talk.

OnM
What kind of a problem could
there possibly be? It's fine.

Sheri
And may I add a dandy?

LadyStarlight hesitated, but then cautiously pressed on.

LadyStarlight
So, when you guys went to post this morning,
none of you, um, burst into song?

At this, all the defenses come down, and everyone starts talking at once.

Wisewoman
Great merciful Hera!

Sheri
Well, that would explain the
synchronized chatting ...

Collinwood
I was wondering why the post
I was working on kept rhyming ...

Dochawk
I hit "enter" and then there was
all this guitar-work in the background ...

OnM
I just thought it was because I was
posting about "The Wizard of Oz."
I should have known
forty-something system designers
from Southeast Pennsylvania
don't suddenly break into
"Somewhere over the Rainbow" ....

LadyStarlight
Okay, well, now that that's settled,
what is it? What's causing it?

LittleBit
That is the sixty-four thousand dollar question.
Doc, do you have any idea?

Dochawk
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I get cases like this all the time.
Why just last week I got an entire football team
full of kids who could suddenly perform
entire symphonies at the drop of a hat!

LadyStarlight
Sarcasm isn't getting us anywhere.

Dochawk
No, but it's fun.

Collinwood
Look, none of us can even post like this!
Every time we try to submit something,
we can't because we're too busy singing and dancing.

Sheri
Yes, I agree. And you know
Buffy fans the internet over are counting
on our admittedly mind-blowing thoughts.
We have to figure out something before
the music fairy decides to strike again.
Now I for one -

Out of nowhere and without a hint of warning, the music fairy strikes again.

OnM
I've got a posting, that it's just a troll.
A tap-dancing troll? No, that doesn't sound okay.

Wisewoman
I've got a posting, that Joss is dreaming,
And we're all stuck inside his wacky Buffy Broadway!

Collinwood
I've got a posting we should chat this out!

LittleBit
I'm getting a little illy, what's this silly singing all about?

Dochawk starts off very enthusiastically, but quickly backs down after he gets a few dirty looks.

Dochawk
It could be shippers! Some Spuffy shippers!
Which is ridiculous cause we all know Buffy
Is but a minor footnote in Spike's hero journey
And sexy cheekbones and soul back and I'll be
Over here.

Sully timidly walks up as Dochawk takes his seat.

Sully
...

Sully
I've got a posting, it could be spammers.

This is totally ignored by everyone.

Sheri
I've got a posting -

Sully won't let it be ignored. A short rock and roll show erupts, complete with spotlights and fireworks.

Sully
Spammers are terrible and all their spam just lingers!
They've got them stupid grins and crooked little fingers!
And what's with all the keyboards?!
What do they need to type so many letters for anyway?!
Spammers, spammers, it must be spammers!!!!

The concert grinds to a halt and everyone is left looking at Sully.

Sully
... or maybe toe goblins.

LittleBit
I've got a posting we should get up fast!

Collinwood
You forget we can't post until the music has passed.

LadyStarlight
I've got a posting, we can still analyze.
We can cut and paste if we're together.
What's in cyberspace we can't weather?
The board's down? We've all faced that.
The same old trolls. We can always go chat!

Everyone gets inspired during this one.

All
What can't we analyze in a minute?
We'll take every episode and then interpret.
We have to post. We'll pay the price.
It's post or be booted.

Sheri
Hey, I've been booted twice!

Now everyone stands up together, singing as if with one voice.

All
We can cut and paste if we're together.
What's in cyberspace we can't weather?
There's nothing we can't face -

Sully
Except for spammers.

They all sit back down and catch their breath.

OnM
Well, that was ... interesting.

Sheri
I thought it was sort of cool.
I don't like spam either.

Dochawk
I just hope whoever's doing this
hasn't seen "Dirty Dancing."

LadyStarlight
I see your point.
But we still aren't any closer to
figuring out what's even going on.

OnM
Well, this hasn't got me really quaking
in my long yet quite readable posts,
but we do need to get to the bottom of it.

Collinwood
Is it happening all over the internet, or just to us?

LittleBit
I'll go see. brb.

EXT. The Jedi Council Forums

LittleBit quickly surfs over to TheForce.net. When she logs on to the Jedi Council Forums, a fabulous sight unfolds before her eyes. Dozens of posters are in a neat triangle, all of them dressed up like Jedi knights or Sith lords. The one in front is holding up a picture of Jar Jar with an "X" painted over it.

LeadPoster
We think - Jar Jar Binks - Sucks!

All
 We think Jar Jar Binks Sucks!!!!

During the crescendo, various posters are doing Force-enhanced flips and somersaults.

EXT. The Posting Board

LittleBit surfs back in to find the same crowd still there.

LittleBit
Looks like it's not just limited to us.

OnM
Hmmm. So, either it has nothing to do
with the Existential Scoobies specifically, or -

Wisewoman
Or someone is indiscriminately casting spells.

Everyone turns and looks at her suspiciously.

Wisewoman
Something I know nothing about.

About this time, Ronia logs in, very excited.

Ronia
You guys are never going to
believe what happened todayI

All
You didn't get your ID yet and
you still can't get on or off the base?

Ronia's smile fades, but then brightens quickly.

Ronia
Well, yeah. But today, I sang a song about it!

Dochawk
There seems to be a lot of that going around.


So you guys too, huh?

LadyStarlight
Yes, indeed. And may I just add,
for a bunch of geeks on the internet,
we all seem to have surprisingly
strong singing voices.

Everyone agrees with this, and the posters take a moment to compliment each other on their performances. However, OnM soon gives a nicely timed cough.

OnM
Okay then, back to business.

Sheri
Yeah. I wish d'Herblay and Rahael were here.
They always have good advice.
And Rah even went to Oxford.

Collinwood
I doubt things like this happen a lot at Oxford.

Sheri
Well, yeah, but you can never tell.
So should someone try to e-mail them?

Suddenly, Rob appears, bouncing across the board. He does some impressive handstands and cartwheels, shouting as he goes.

Rob
Yeah! Buffy is the best show of all time!
Yeah! It's awesome! Wowee!

LadyStarlight watches him flipping away, apparently concerned.

LadyStarlight
Maybe someone should look
for d'Herblay and Rahael.
This is getting a little strange.

OnM
What, you mean Rob?
I wouldn't worry.
He's like that all the time.

LadyStarlight
Oh.

EXT. A sunny bit of cyberspace close to a London chat room.

d'Herblay and Rahael are casually strolling away from the room, holding hands and all with the goo-goo eyes.

Rahael
I told Sheri we'd be over to the
posting board right after I heard from her.

d'Herblay
As long as I don't have to sing.

Rahael
What about dancing?

d'Herblay
I've been known to cut a
little rug every now and again.

Two conspiracy-haunted guys wearing long trenchcoats and buttons saying "The Truth is Out There" pass by. It is easy to see that they are sneaking glances at Rahael.

d'Herblay
Those guys must be on the way
to the "X-Files" chat room.
And they're completely checking you out.

Rahael notices d'Herblay looks totally shocked by this. Her expression gets all wounded.

Rahael
: What, you can't believe those
guys would look at me?

d'Herblay
Of course I can! I'm just amazed that
anyone still goes to the "X-Files" chat room.

Rahael
Oh.

The two walk on a little more, spotting some posters dressed up like slave girl Princess Leia having a belly dancing contest.

Rahael
So, any ideas on what's going on?

d'Herblay
My only thought on the situation is that
perhaps we've all listened to the
"Once More with Feeling" CD
so many times it's driven us mad.

Rahael
All of us? Simultaneously?

d'Herblay
That would further the theory
that we all share the same brain ...

Rahael
Hmm ... so what do you think
we would sing about if we had to?

d'Herblay
I can't even speculate.

Rahael
I just hope it wouldn't be a
thirties-style retro pastiche that would
never become a breakaway pop hit.

d'Herblay
Perish the thought.

Rahael
Still ... that doesn't mean
I don't feel a number coming on.

d'Herblay
Try to suck in a breath.

Rahael
No such luck.
You just have that effect on me.

He gives a sigh of resolve.

d'Herblay
Here we go ...

Music flows out of nowhere as natural as birdsong.

Rahael
I once posted in shadow, the web was such a dark place.
It didn't seem that strange, after all it was cyberspace.
Now my posts just glow - this is why that's so.

I've got your e-mail
Now every post I see, as if posted only for me.
The old web seems so stale.
Once you've set me free, always chatting privately.

I saw a web enchanted, pop-ups annoying no more.
What I always took for granted, now I can totally ignore.
For your post shined, as if every single word rhymed.

I've got your e-mail
Everything is so true now that my chats are with you.
You worked your words so well,
Every post I surf through seems infinitely new.
You helped me achieve!

At this point, d'Herblay is dancing also, and the two hold each other and spin and spin until they surf right into a private chat room.

Rahael
The sea to the coast, I chat with you the most.
I've got your e-mail
My heartstrings you pull, my e-box is so full.
I love every word you spell
So much to say, paging my little d'Herblay.

Never let me delete!

Rahael is really hitting some high notes now.

Rahael
I'll never delete!
I'll never delete!
I'll never delete!

EXT. The Posting Board

Dochawk
You know, I bet they're not even coming over here.

Sheri
They said they were!

Dochawk
Yeah, but you know how that goes.
Have you posted with them lately?
They've got that whole
Get a Chat Roominess vibe swinging.

LittleBit
Dochawk!

When she has his attention, she motions protectively over at Ronia who is now helping with the research.

Dochawk
Right. I meant, I'm sure they're on the case.

Ronia looks up, giving both of them a little smirk.

Ronia
Guys, I know about this stuff.

They don't seem to believe her.

Ronia
For heaven's sake, I've got two kids!

Both
Oh yeah.

LittleBit Sorry!

Ronia
It's okay. And anyway, I don't see what's
the big deal about this. It's just a lot of happy
singing and dancing around. It'll wear off eventually.
Besides, it makes even not having your ID fun.

Collinwood
Maybe, but remember what
happened on the show?

LadyStarlight
Well, this is the internet.
Hopefully nothing too bad can happen on here.

EXT. The Leaky Cauldron Forum

A young Harry Potter fan is at a computer console, and clearly something too bad is about to happen. He is dancing faster and faster with his feet, and typing faster and faster with his fingers. Unable to control himself, he dances and types in a wild frenzy. It goes on and on until the computer explodes, taking his head with it!

Part Two

EXT. A shady cyberspace vale

Redcat, NightRepair, and Zargon are coming back after checking out a potential lead on the other end of the internet. They walk along, talking about how they hit another dead end.

Redcat
Well, that was certainly a waste
of my gargantuan feminist intellect.

NightRepair
And in all honesty, I really
should be teaching class ...

Zargon
But, in times like these, we have
to check out every possibility.

Redcat
Yeah, but Drizzt? I mean,
I know he keeps trying to open up
a portal to the Buffyverse,
but that's never going to happen.

As they make their way back to the Posting Board, a blaze of light suddenly erupts behind them. They don't see the portal that opens and closes long enough for Buffy herself to fall through their dimension, only to fall back into yet another portal as quickly as she appeared. The two posters just walk on, oblivious.

Redcat
No way one of his magic experiments
could have even worked,
much less have caused all of this!

NightRepair
Yeah, you're probably right.

Zargon
Well, I guess we could have avoided
that last little dance number had
we realized that ahead of time.

Redcat
I'll never tell if you all won't.

NightRepair
I was dancin' crazy!

Redcat
Don't I know it! This whole thing's crazy.
Just not of the norm at all. I had this whole dissertation on
the latest episode all ready to go from last night, and I lost it
because I was too busy spinning like a ballerina to hit "enter."

Zargon
That's horrible! But on the bright side,
I heard the other guys talking
about going to get Dedalus.

NightRepair
Ah. Bringing in the big guns.

Redcat
Great. That's just what we need.
Him and his traditional feminine values.

EXT. The Posting Board

All the posters are sitting around looking quite nervous, as well as tired. The singing and dancing is really beginning to take its toll. Most are too scared to even think about typing, all too aware a symphony awaits whoever tries to do so. Some of the Existential Scoobies are taking a proactive stance, however.

We come to MundusMundi and Aquitaine, both of which are trying to keep up with d'Herblay as he paces about the outskirts of the board. They are all talking and being quite animated in their discussion. Some bad news has just been e-mailed in.

Mundusmundi
So, the guy was really missing his head?
His head?

d'Herblay
Yes, there's no doubt about it.
It happened over at the Leaky Cauldron.
A computer blew up, and it took some poor lad with it.

Aquitaine
Now's not the time for people to lose their heads.

Mundusmundi
Does anyone suspect sabotage?

d'Herblay
Nobody knows what to suspect.
So I think the important thing now is not to have panic.
We really don't even know if the incident
is related to the singing.

The three continue walking, and they pass right by Julia, who is pouring her heart out to a busted air conditioner that refuses to work. They calmly pass by as if nothing is happening.

Julia
I'm having such a hot hot day!
Come on, send some cool air my way!
I'm not asking you for snow!
But this heat is more than I can bear!
There is no air condition anywhere!
This simply isn't fair!
Why won't you let it flow?
Then I'll go away I swear!

The three Existential Scoobies keep on pacing, their discussion growing more intense.

Mundusmundi
But we have to do something.

Aquitaine
I agree. When people's heads
are being blown off,
not a very good time for inaction.

d'Herblay
And just what would you two suggest?
Any move we make is liable
to set off an orchestra.
The whole internet has
become a musical time-bomb.

As if to illustrate his point, they pass by Deeva, Dichotomy, and Dead Soul. All three of them are at computer consoles, but instead of standing there they're dancing, kicking up their legs in perfect synchrony. Each are likewise typing on the keyboards just as one would play a piano. They've really got rhythm, but it's commonplace by now.

Mundusmundi
Has anyone tried to get a hold of Dedalus yet?

d'Herblay
He's been in chat for a long while now.
I'm not sure if he's any good to anyone.

Aquitaine
But I heard LittleBit and Anom and
some others talking about trying
to get him out of there. It might help.

d'Herblay
And what is he going to do? Write an essay?

INT. The Chat Room

LittleBit, Julia, Anom, Rahael, and a poster with a guitar named Anthony8 all log on to the ATPoBtVS chat room. The room is rather large, with countless desks boasting shiny computers sitting on every one of them. No one is there except for the guy they're looking for. Dedalus is hunched over a screen, staring at the names that have suddenly appeared on it. LittleBit cautiously approaches.

LittleBit
Hey, Ded.

Dedalus takes awhile to respond. First he produces a half-empty liter of Coca-Cola and drinks from it. His eyes are red, and he looks really wired. He's been down there chatting with himself all day.

Dedalus
Well, the gang's all here.
Nice of y'all to drop by.
To what do I owe the pleasure?

Anom
Um, to be honest, we wanted to know
if you had any information on what's going on.

Dedalus
Ah, so that's it. You didn't want to check up on me,
you didn't want to know if I was okay down here,
you just came to see what I knew. Typical.

Julia
Don't say that! And by the way,
I still don't have an air conditioner.

Dedalus
Well it's bloody time you did!
Now, if everyone is ready to go -

Anom
We just got here!

Rahael
Yeah, we'll stay and chat awhile.

Dedalus gets up, and from the look on his face, you can tell he doesn't buy it.

Dedalus
Right. That's what you say now.
Pretty soon, all of you will be
surfing on other sites,
and I'll be chatting with myself again.
I know the way most of you people "chat."

LittleBit
Don't say that.

Dedalus
Oh yeah. Why don't all of you just go
and have a private chat somewhere.
There's the "log off" button. Help yourself.

Rahael
Come on, we want you to go
back to the Posting Board with us.

Julia
Yeah, we all know you've had
such a bad time posting,
maybe you could give us some
insight into this musical nightmare.

Dedalus
Ha! I knew it!

LittleBit
Ded, what is your problem?
Just tell us.

Stomping over to the "log off" button, Dedalus is about to punch himself out, but hesitates. He looks back as if something is pulling him back. Anthony8 has been in the background all this time, but as if on cue, his fingers start playing his guitar.

Dedalus
I posted too many months ago
But chat can make me feel like it isn't so.
Just why you came to talk to me I already know.

Mmmmmmm.

You're confused, ashamed that you can't post.
And so you come straight to me, I've dealt with it the most.
You whisper in a Ded-Man's ear, knowing I can't even boast.

That's fine, but I'm not gonna play.
Posting with you guys gets to me, more than I'll say.
Since I'm just Ded to you, so then get away.
And let me chat in peace.

By the second verse, Dedalus has shocked everyone by grabbing a modem and smashing it into a wall. The volume goes up quite a few notches.

Dedalus
Let me chat in peace! I know I need some sleep!
I should take my mouse and bury it in a hole six foot deep!
I can put my keyboard down but I can't log my sweet release!
So let me chat in peace!

The group is about to leave at this point, but Dedalus blocks the exit and keeps singing.

Dedalus
You know, this room is my prison.
I'm here every single night until the sun is risen.
So I'm tellin' you and only you
That up you better listen!
And let me chat in peace!

I should stop and log off.
Yet here I sit, a poster possessed.
There's a chatter here beneath my breast.
I'm addicted more than you ever guessed.
If I would just leave it would be for the best
So here you are around my desk.
Just leave me be -

Dedalus then jumps up onto a console, and he kicks a computer right onto the floor, where it explodes in a million sparks. Everyone jumps back.

Dedalus
And let me chat in peace! I know I need some sleep!
I should take my mouse and bury it in a hole six foot deep!
I can put my keyboard down but I can't log my sweet release!
So let me chat in peace!

Why won't you let me chat in peace?!

Dedalus then slumps against a desk, thoroughly exhausted.

Anthony8 stops playing, and the women don't seem very impressed.

Julia
Are you quite done?

Dedalus doesn't answer. LittleBit gives him an exasperated look.

LittleBit
So are you coming with us or what?

Dedalus
Oh, all right. Let me get my Coke.

EXT. The Posting Board

By the time everyone logs back on to the posting board, things are in turmoil. Yet another poster - this time on Usenet - has lost his post as well as his life. The Existential Scoobies are trying to keep their cool, but the rest of the internet is in chaos, albeit extraordinarily well-choreographed chaos. Anyway, no one knows who's next. Masquerade has assigned everyone to the bookshelves to research the situation, yet so far, no one has come up with anything.

d'Herblay and Dedalus are at a table together, though the former gets angry when he notices the latter is again reading "The Hero With a Thousand Faces." Dedalus defends himself, and from the look on d'Herblay's face, he has obviously been talking a really long time.

Dedalus
- see, what Joseph Campbell was saying is that
myth is really a metaphor for life itself.
It's not just outdated science or anything like that.
It's about how we - each and every one of us -
can employ ancient stories by which
we can access our total potential.
That's what myth is all about.
It's a reflection of the spiritual
potentialities of the entire human race.
It's sort of like a collective dream that we all share.
And by reading and studying
those old stories that are inspired by
the harmony of the cosmos, we can all -

d'Herblay
Oh shut up.

INT. The Chat Room

After spending hours researching the musical mayhem to no avail, LittleBit and Ronia log on to the chat room and are sitting there talking.

LittleBit
I can't believe it!

Ronia
Well, I really found it.

LittleBit
You better not let Masq find out
that you weren't studying up on
these odd opera incidents,
but I'm happy for you!

Ronia
Yep, my unicorn bedspread is on the way!

Then Ronia became a bit gloomier.

Ronia
Now, if I can only not lose my head in cyberspace,
everything will be just spiffy.

LittleBit
Indeed.

Ronia
Not to change the subject,
but what did Dedalus sing about
down here when y'all came?
I heard he sang.

LittleBit
He wanted to chat in peace.

Ronia
Did the chatting get all sexy?

LittleBit
No. Well ... sort of.

Ronia
He must not have been wearing the evil jacket.

LittleBit
No, it was the non-evil one.

Ronia
That's happy. You know I
told him to burn the evil one.

LittleBit
Did you specify that he should take it off first?

Ronia
Of course. What do you take me for?

LittleBit
I know! Listen, I better log off.
We need to get to work again on this stuff.

Ronia
No, don't go! Then I'll be here all alone!

LittleBit
You'll be fine! I promise I'll check back in soon.

LittleBit soon logs out, and Ronia is left there, staring into cyberspace. After spending a curious amount of time idly playing with her long hair, she can't resist slipping into a melancholy little ditty.

Ronia
No one is here to chat with me. Will anyone ever log on?

Her song is interrupted when she thinks she hears something over her shoulder. She hasn't noticed before, but the empty chat room is kind of spooky. And what's even spookier is that it's not as empty as it should be! Ronia finds this out when she turns around and finds herself looking into the blank eyes of three troll henchmen.

Ronia
Rats.

The three henchmen work fast, logging her away to who knows where.

Part Three

INT. The Bronze Board

A few hours have passed, and Ronia awakens to find herself in a strange new site. She's laying on a table, but she knows she better get away as quickly as possible, so she doesn't lay there for long. When she goes to move, she finds her movements uncommonly graceful, and then she hears music in the background.

As soon as she goes to run away, the troll henchmen come back, and all four of them compliment each other nicely as they go through a rather mesmerizing bit of ballet. They go round and round, all their moves precise yet fluid. One troll grabs her and spins her around on the floor, and she lands with such force that she slides all the way to the steps of a stage.

There, two feet are at her eye level. They are wearing some really slick tap dancing shoes, and the person wearing them knows how to make them move. Ronia catches a breath when she looks up and finally sees who is behind all of this. It's the old nemesis of the Existential Scoobies. VampireHunterD.

VampireHunterD
Why'd you log off? Don't you touch that dial!
No need to sit and scoff. I've picked up some great style!

He begins to dance, and boy can he ever. Ronia just looks on, obviously bewildered.

VampireHunterD
I know I've built the anticipation
Cause I'm the troll god incarnation.
Don't give me the brush off. Why don't we chat awhile?

Here I'm the real host, I've got all that clout.
When you gotta post, when ya gotta print it out!
They came to me and all started blamin'
But I've got the music - I bring the flames in.
Now we're chattin', this is what it's all about!

Cuz I know what you post Ron!
I know just what you post Ron!

Ronia
So, you're still an angry troll?
Bringing the flames in?

VampireHunterD
All these philosophies have gone on too long.
Now my music is drowning them cause it's just so wrong.
All those unread posts sitting there rustin'
Plus some posters look like they're about to start bustin'
That's the price you pay when voy is but a song!

VampireHunterD slides over closer to Ronia, who tries to hold him at bay with a cross.

VampireHunterD
So this is my net and since you owe a debt
After we jump this ride
Back we will go to my basement below
And there you'll be my bride!

Cuz I know what you post -

Ronia
Now see here, I smell beer
I'm going to start quakin'

VampireHunterD
I'll make it real!

Ronia
Don't be sore, I'm twenty-four
And I'm already taken!

VampireHunterD
I can make whole sites start to crumble
And still have time to do a little rumble!

Ronia
For pete's sake you can't just take
Like I'm some kind of booty!

VampireHunterD
Troubles comin', this place is burning
I keep playin' while the net keeps turning!

Ronia
They'll be pissed if I'm dissed
I'm an Existential Scooby!

The music suddenly dies out and VampireHunterD stops dancing all over the stage. He gives Ronia a surprised glance.

VampireHunterD
They will?

Ronia
Yu-huh.

The troll master calls one of his henchmen over.

VampireHunterD
Go and let our little Buffy philosophers
know where we are.
I want them to come here.
Then the real chat can begin!

EXT. The Posting Board

Unaware of what is happening, our heroes the Existential Scoobies are trying to find out where their comrade Ronia is. Dedalus is talking to Mundusmundi.

Dedalus
Look, it's one thing for Ronia to not have her ID.
It's another thing completely when
she disappears altogether!!

Mundusmundi
I agree! But do you really think this is the answer?

He motions over to the Trollbot that Dedalus is taking out of storage.

Dedalus
I know Trollbot has had some flaws,
but right now, I don't know what else to do.

Mundusmundi
Sol is going to be pissed.

Dedalus
I know, but what can you do?

Mundusmundi spots a few black puddles around Trollbot. He points to them.

Mundusmundi
Is that oil it's leaking?

Dedalus
Of course it's oil. It's always got to be oil.

Mundusmundi
Of yeah, I forgot.

Dedalus
Hand me that sparkplug.

Even with the leaky oil, the two fix up the Trollbot with minimum effort, and after a bit of wielding, it is re-activated. It has a big grin on its face.

Trollbot
Dedalus! You're wearing your coat!

Dedalus
Yes, I know. Do you sense any trolls anywhere?

Trollbot
Trolls?! Where?!

Dedalus
Why? Do you want to hug them or slay them?

Trollbot screws up its face in confusion.

Trollbot
I don't know. I have all these conflicting feelings.
On the one hand, I know I should
keep them off the board, on the other hand,
I want to see if they have sexy acne.

Dedalus
I need you to concentrate.
Our friend has gone missing.
We need to know if trolls have taken
her anywhere. Do you sense any trolls?

Trollbot
No, but I see that one right behind you!

Mundusmundi and Dedalus both jump in fright, for sure enough, one of the troll henchmen is right there. They question him.

Mundusmundi
Don't do that! And what do you know about Ronia?

Troll
He-he. VampireHunterD has her over at the Bronze board.
He's going to take her to his basement to be his queen.
But he wants to see all of you first!

Before anyone can catch him, the little gnarled troll runs out of the posting board, laughing an eerie, high-pitched laugh.

Dedalus
Well, that's not funny.
Trollbot, why didn't you stop him
before he got away?

Trollbot
I don't know! My circuits are all conflicted.

Dedalus looks away, obviously a bit aggravated. He and Mundusmundi decide to go over to the meeting area and let everyone know what has happened. They leave the Trollbot there, and it watches from a distance. It's clearly kind of sad. As if playing on its emotions, another song begins, though no one else hears it.

Trollbot
It's this forum that I hold dear.
I keep pretending but I don't belong here.
So now I leave as the trolls stand and jeer,
But I -

My optics are fuzzy, and I don't see well.
My wires are crossed, I'm just a rusting shell.
I can't keep trolls out, so here they dwell,
But I -

I wish I could sing the right song to make them leave this board
Wish I didn't love them, every one of their greasy little horde.
Wish I could just stay, but this I can't afford,
Cause I'm programmed in the way.

The trolls around me, I don't slay at all.
If I saw any of them, in love I'd fall.
So I just patrol here instead of slaying tall,
But I -

I wish I could hold them close, and let them troll at last.
Wish I could dance with them, but now that night has passed.
Wish I could stay, a trollbot deadly and fast,
But I'm not programmed to slay.
I'm just programmed to be in the way.

From the meeting area, LittleBit, Anthony8, Dedalus, d'Herblay, Aquitaine, Rahael, Mundusmundi, and the newly logged in VampRiley watch the Trollbot walk off into the internet all alone.

Dedalus
Well, now we've lost our Trollbot.
Anyone else feel the need to make an exit?

Coming from the chatroom, the illustrious yet beleaguered webmaster Liquidram addresses the question the only way it can be addressed - with more songs.

Liquidram
No more chat or e-mail.
For James this has to be
Some abuse his celebrity.
I guess this is farewell.

Shippers don't you see
They'll be no more chats with me?
You just made me leave -

This announcement is even more surprising when Spotjon suddenly pops up to enjoy a duet with the departing Liquidram.

Spotjon
Believe me I don't want to go.
It'll grieve me cause I love voy so
But we all know -

Wish I could post

Liquidram
Wish I could trust

Spotjon
The right words

Liquidram
That all of you would be just

Spotjon
To help you understand

Liquidram
But leave ivyweb I must

Spotjon
Just pray to the father to take you by the hand

Both
Wish I could stay!
Wish I could stay!
Wish I could stay!

Wish I could stay.

Liquidram and Spotjon also log off to seek their internet fortunes elsewhere.

Anthony8
Our crowd may be shrinking,
but I have to say,
they harmonized really well.

Rahael
Didn't they though?

VampRiley
I missed some stuff didn't I?
Cuz this is making the kind of sense that doesn't.
Just out of morbid curiosity,
how long has everyone been singing?

d'Herblay
All day, strangely enough.

VampRiley
Well this is certainly an unexpected turn of events.

LittleBit
And on top of that, VampireHunterD
has got Ronia. He's behind all the fun.

Dedalus
And the hits just keep on comin'.

When all hope seems lost, Agent156 enters the meeting area. As one might expect, he's wearing a fedora and trenchcoat.

Agent156
Big news, guys!

Dedalus
Let me guess - vents.

Agent156
Yes, vents! Listen to me,
I have found all these vents,
and they lead straight into the Bronze.
We can get in there and save Ronia!

Dedalus
I've heard about all I can handle about vents.

d'Herblay
It is a rather odd obsession.

Agent156
Vents, man, vents!

LittleBit
Sorry to gang up on you, but I agree.
This is no time to talk about vents!

Agent156 is shocked and more than a little bit hurt that no one will listen to him.

Agent156
I'm telling you, I just spent an hour
trying to figure out how to surf over there -

LittleBit
Let the vents go!

Agent156
Bite me, LB! I've had enough of this.
I'm going to get her myself.

VampRiley
I'll bite you.

LittleBit
Here, if you're going to go,
at least take this flashlight.

Agent156
No thanks! I'm outta here.

Agent156 stomps out and everyone watches him go.

VampRiley
That's certainly one angry little poster.

Rahael
Guys, we still haven't figured out what we're going to do.

Dedalus
If Agent is going to be like that, let him handle it!

The Existential Scoobies stay on the Posting Board, all their fates uncertain.

EXT: The Vents

Now Agent156 is all alone. A man alone on the internet. He faces a large vent, and obviously he is having second thoughts. Then he hears the music.

Agent156
I touch the vent and it frightens me.
I stare into it and it stares back.
Why do I care?
Why does it open to me like a dare?
Gee, it certainly looks black!

Now through the vents, she calls to me
To make my way across the dust.
It's worth this strife
If I can save her life.
I guess it's Ronia or bust!

At this point, Agent156 grits his teeth and crawls into the vents, visions of Ronia taunting him on.

Agent156
So I will crawl through the vents!
What other lesson can I learn?
I will crawl through the vents
Until they -

EXT. Cyberspace near the Vents

LittleBit
The flashlight I carry is blinding me.
Agent's giggling I've no doubt.
With a little luck
Maybe he'll get really stuck -
I better help him out!

INT. The Bronze Board

VampireHunterD
Cause he is drawn to the vents!
Some posters never learn!

Both
And he will crawl through the vents
And let them -

EXT. The Posting Board

d'Herblay
Should I call Darby and Etrangere?
Am I leaving Ron in danger?
Are the posters too far gone to care?

Rahael
What if Agent can't free her?

VampRiley
Rah is right, we need to see her.
Or we could just look at the board and stare.

Everyone gets up and marches triumphantly out into cyberspace.

All
We'll see this through,
It's what Buffy philosophers do!
So we will crawl through the vents.

INT. The Vents

This is a strange montage sequence of people crawling through vents.

Agent156
So again and again, the vents twist on me.
I'm glad the Scoobs don't see all this dust.

Aquitaine
What can't we see?

Agent156
But while I cough
And all among them scoff
Doing this I must.

LittleBit
He came from Ohio much higher.

VampRiley
First I'll bite her, then I'll save her.

Rahael
Every post is turning out so dark.

VampRiley
First I'll save her, then I'll thrill her.

Dedalus
I think this chat's mostly filler.

d'Herblay
It's what the posts have inside their spark.

Agent156
These endless twists
Are really just the pits.

All
And we are caught in the vents!
The point of no return!
So we will crawl through the vents
And let them turn!
Let them turn!
Let them turn!

Just let them turn!

EXT. The Bronze Board

As it happens, a poster named Rufus took the subway and beat everyone there. She kicks down the door with an Existential Scooby adrenaline kick.

VampireHunterD
Showtime.

Part Four

INT. The Bronze Board

VampireHunterD
Well well well. I didn't expect anyone to get here so quickly.

Rufus walks onto the board, facing her adversary who is sitting up on the stage, Ronia looking quite anxious beside him. Rufus fixes him with a glare.

Rufus
I tried to stay out of this. I really did.
But enough is enough.

VampireHunterD
Whatever do you mean?

Rufus
I mean, this isn't funny anymore.
I love the Existential Scooby board.
We have all sorts of wonderful discussions there.
I have very good friends there.
You could have once too.
But you flamed us all instead.
So, whatever issues you've got -
whether anyone thinks you're hot or not -
stop this singing business so we can all
go back to doing what we do best.

VampireHunterD
Tempting, but ... NO!

Rufus
This is not really a request, vhD.
People's cyber-heads are being blown off!
I want you to stop this and set the internet right again.

Ronia
What about me?!

Rufus
Oh yeah. And let her go too.

VampireHunterD
I don't think so. I think I'm going to watch all of you
dance till you drop. And then Ron here
is going back to my basement - I mean house - to be my queen.

As she so often does in situations such as these, Ronia gags a little.

Rufus
I'm only asking once more. Let us have voy back!

VampireHunterD
And what would you do with voy if you had it back?

Rufus
You already know. And in case you don't, here's a song to clear things up.

Voy's a show, and we all post our parts.
And when the typing starts
We talk about the arts.

It's alright, if some posts print out wrong.
We'll sing a happy song.
Newbies can sing along -

The three troll henchmen attack at this point, but Rufus finishes them off in a winning combination of dance and martial arts.

Rufus
Where there's chat - there's hope.
Every posts - a gift.
Ships can - come true.
Whistle while - you type
So much - all day.

To just keep up the pace
To stand out in shining cyberspace!

Don't give me trolls.
Don't give me trolls.

Suddenly, Agent156 logs on, as do the rest of the Existential Scoobies. Mundusmundi points over at where Rufus is singing.

Mundusmundi
Rah, Aqui - she needs back up!

Rahael and Aquitaine immediately run over and start keeping pace with Rufus.

Rufus
Give me something worth printing out!
I need something worth printing out!

We get into some seriously fast music, then it slows again.

Rufus
Life's a post you can't spell-check first.
A post you can't delete or reverse.
And errors make it all the worse.

As it is now this is such a bore.
Unlike the million posts or more
I could be printing for!

All the voy - formats.
Canada - and cats.

All the stuff - life sends.
Chocolate - and friends.
All this just depends

On if you get to print.
If enough posts are sent.
Cause when we type
There's so much hype.

As Rahael and Aquitaine go back to the sidelines, Rufus slowly approaches the stage.

Rufus
Now there's no ink
No print, no post.
No philosophy to toast
On voy..

There's nothing to tell
Because I use to spell
On voy.
I use to print from voy.

So give me something worth printing out.
Please - print me something.

Rufus looks over at VampireHunterD, but he just looks back. Then she quickly darts over to the side of a stage \where a computer console is sitting. Uncontrollably, she begins to type faster and faster as the music crescendos. Smoke begins to come out of the computer. We've seen this happen before. The frantic typing continues, on and on, and most of the Existential Scoobies are paralyzed.

In a very Zen-like move, the poster Age effortless slides into the Bronze and instantly stops Rufus.

Age
Voy's not a song.
Posting isn't bliss.
Posting's just this.
It's typing.

You'll print along.
The posts that you lack
You'll only get back
By typing.

You have to go on typing.
So that someone is typing.

Ronia stands up and walks forward on the stage.

Ronia
The hardest thing about our board is to post on it.

VampRiley
Yeah, cause voy sucks.

Rufus recovers from her near explosion as VampireHunterD gives a little round of applause.

VampireHunterD
Now that was a net-stopping number.

Mundusmundi
Get out of here!

VampireHunterD
%#!& you Mundus!

LittleBit
Jeepers.

VampireHunterD
Yeah, I guess I don't rate a kaboom. I never rate a kaboom.

The troll master then looks at all the Existential Scoobies gathered around, and notices many of them have become couples.

VampireHunterD
For god's sake, is there anyone here who isn't sleeping together?

d'Herblay and Dedalus share a brief, awkward glance.

VampireHunterD
Nevermind. Anyway, this has been real,
but it's time for me and Ron to bail.

Agent156
That's never going to happen.

VampireHunterD
And who's going to stop me?

A female figure suddenly logs on out of nowhere. A mixture of shock and recognition flood VampireHunterD's face as he sees her.

VampireHunterD
Mom?!

Mom
Yes, it's me honey.

VampireHunterD
What are you doing here?

Mom
I've come to tell you dinner is ready.
Time to log off.

VampireHunterD
Mom!

Mom
Come on now. You can chat
with your friends another time.

She then logs off, and afterwards, Dedalus snickers.

VampireHunterD
%#$& you, Dedalus!

LittleBit
Jeepers.

Everyone just sort of stands there, unsure of who is going to make the next move. Fortunately, VampireHunterD admits defeat. His shoulders sort of sag.

VampireHunterD
I guess this is it. Cheer up.
You got what you wanted.

Rufus
No one wanted this.

VampRiley
Well, I thought it was kind of funny.

One last troll song erupts, a reprise of "Bringing the Flames In."

VampireHunterD
I am so out of here, you guys aren't all that.
All those posts now you can cut and paste -
You should be happy once more in cyberspace.
Now I've got to eat, so see you all in chat!!!

VampireHunterD logs off and disappears on stage.

The Existential Scoobies are left standing in the Bronze Board, sharing looks and anxious to get back to their own beloved board. But they all know one more song is coming, so they may as well get on with it.

Rahael
How do we post from here?

All
How do we post from here?

Anthony8
That was quite a feat but the war's complete
So give our big Scooby cheer -
But how do we post from here?

The Existential Scoobies all come together and act out the final number.

All
Why is the way unclear
When we know voy is near?
Comprehend we'll post without end
And every chat will be so dear -

Anthony8
But tell me -

All
How do we post from here?

Shouldn't the type appear?
Where is the Scooby cheer?
Our board's still down
So pardon our frown.
We know the end is near!

How do we post from here?

EXT. The Bronze Board

While all this is going on, Solitude1056 finally logs on after spending the whole day doing calculus. Sol takes one look inside at the weird goings on, then turns to surf back over to another site. However, the Trollbot is there and quickly approaches. The scene is awkward at best.

Trollbot
I know you don't like me.

Solitude1056
Well, no, it's not that.

Trollbot
I was suppose to leave, but I just couldn't.

Solitude1056
Why not?

Trollbot
I just couldn't.

Solitude1056
I didn't mean to be rude,
but I didn't like the way you
handled the trolls on the board.

Trollbot
I don't like trolls anymore.
I like someone else.

Solitude1056
Listen, I was about to log off anyway ...

The music kicks in again, and the two stare at each other. Eventually, they begin to take steps closer and closer to one another, like twin moths drawn to a flame.

Trollbot
I post and everyone teases me

Solitude1056
I didn't mean what I said those months ago

Trollbot
I see trolls but now there's no thrill

Solitude1056
I lied I don't want you to go

Trollbot
This isn't real but you missed the whole deal

Solitude1056
I can't believe you can let me feel -

They finally come together in a long, passionate kiss.

All
How do we post from here???

The End

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