The tragedy of Buffy, Slayer of Sunnydale
PROLOGUE, a demon
BUFFY, a Slayer
SPIKE, a Vampire in love with the Slayer
WILLOW, a Witch in denial
DAWN, Sister to the Slayer
WARREN MEERS, a Villain
ANDREW WELLS, his Zany
JONATHAN LEVINSON, an Equivocator
an ARMY of DEMONS
The action takes place over one night in the town of Sunnydale, between the events of the canon episodes "Normal Again" and "Entropy"
(We see a figure seated at a Renaissance writing desk, shadowed in the light of a single candle. It turns to us, and we see that its face is a foully decayed, undead caricature of the famous Droeshout engraving. This is PROLOGUE, a demon)
Pr: Good readers all, I pray you to draw near
Your dire PROLOGUE doth summon you to hear
A tragedy, where each shall play his part
Until the end shall break your mortal heart
Plots have I laid, and fell designs begun
With WELLS, the lech'rous MEERS, and faintheart LEVINSON
But they know not, although I ne'er can lie
That SLAYER, GEEKS and VAMPS
And all are doomed to die (Evil laughter)
I.1 (A graveyard, enter THREE VAMPIRES)
V1: When shall we three meet again?
(Enter BUFFY, unseen by them)
V1: In thunder, lightning, or in
(BUFFY stakes him)
V1: ...unh... (dusts)
B: Foul monsters of the darkest pit of Hell
Prepare to meet your well-deservè:d doom!
(They fight. BUFFY stakes a second VAMPIRE. Enter SPIKE, who stakes the last)
S: Thou seest my heart doth guide my warlike arm
For all thy bed is barred unto my shaft.
B: Ill stars did rule that night wherein we joined
I thank thee for thy aid, yet never may
My heart thy demon love requite
S: I fear
That 'tis the truth, and yet... What means this verse?
For though our speech be ever finely wrought
In iambs ne'er did Slayer rail till now
B: And why do words of antick sort and style
Proceed from tongue and throat with scarce a strain?
This is some spell, of virtue fierce and strong
I must unto the witch
S: I'll come along (Exeunt)
I.2 (Enter a CLOWN)
Cl: O indeed I must win her back, for without her I become the worthless drunken knave that I feared to be with her. Thou, good ale bottle, shall personate my love. Indeed, thou art bitter and cold, although she always feared things that hop. It is wondrous strange that she is as hard as you now, when once she was so soft. Hold, why do I speak in such base wordplay? And whence comes this Giles's grand-dad speech? This is some revenge of Anya's! I must find her. Yet will I speak to Willow first, for in truth I do not wish for Anya to see me in this sad plight, if it be not her doing. (Exit)
II.1 (The Magic Box, enter BUFFY, SPIKE, WILLOW, DAWN, and the CLOWN)
W: For sure this is a spell, and I do fear
That you must find some other versed in Art
For magic now to me is like unto
Free cocaine base unto some gutter trull
Should I attempt th'erasure of this curse
Some worse curse I would bring, through poor restraint
S: Indeed this is a very paltry witch
Who fears for her own state when friends are cursed
Cl: Silence, fiend!
I still did not in meter speak until I met
With thee, ill-omened creature of the night
This is some prank of thy design
S: Oh please!
D: Wherefore this brawl? This is a merry sport
In English class next day I will delight
In this new pretty state, and I will awe
The slack-brained teachers that ne'er can freestyle
In antick verse
B: Remember, good my sib
The musick that did seem a merry sport
And that did end in flames of blazing Hell
S: And well we know whose dabbling brought that forth
W: Peace! We still may find what demon vile
Or mortal's spell has made us versify
Within these books. Let us research, though sure
We have no cause to fear too greatly yet
S: In prose didst thou soliloquise?
S: Then we have cause.
B: Thou fear'st?
S: Indeed I do
For all of us do speak in verse well scanned
Alone, the boy did speak in prose, of puns
Well filled, which means the clown is he, whose jokes
Though gross and poor, do leaven pain and fear
High verse and no mere prose, in mouths of all
A dark suggestion makes. We are entrapped
Within a tragic play, and hence are doomed
To wash the final scene with our heart's blood
Or dust, in my superior blessed case
Cl: How knowest thee of such obscure facts?
I still do feel that this our painful state
Is brought by thy rash act
S: To calm thy fears
And stop the black calumnies thou dost speak
I must admit, when I was but a man
Great verse and drama did I study much
Though all my work availed me but for naught
And when my Dru did make me as I am
I cast off books, and turned to rougher sport
D: Thou wert a man of books? Spike was a geek!
W: Though I do hold that state in higher praise
Than thou dost give, the jest is passing fair
S: If you do spread that jest, all fear my fangs!
B: Thou canst not bite, and threaten not my friends!
We must unmask the author of our plight (Exeunt)
II. 2 (A basement. Enter WARREN, ANDREW, and JONATHAN, much in ale)
Wa: Now is the Slayer doomed. The fine demon Andrew did summon hath bound her in a tragic tale that must end by her death.
A: Neither Luthor nor great Doom could have created such a fine plan!
J: Yet is it true that her friends must also die?
Wa: The devil take her friends, they are a paltry crew of triflers. Now shall the name of Meers be remembered by all creatures of darkness, that I, a human, did kill the Slayer whom none of them durst touch.
A: And Wells! And Levinson!
J: (aside) I hoped not to be remembered for such sport as this.
Wa: Yet one thing I do still hope, that I may know her ere she dies. To have such a proud warrior upon her knees before me, her sharp tongue upon my sharper sword... Gentles all, I give you the "Lay of the Vampire Layer"!
(Sings) Thou hast known a deal of dick
Thou hast lived too long a time
Thou hast known a deal of dick, Buffy
But thou knowst not mine!
J: (aside) God have mercy! By sweet Katrina's soul, I am compact with a monster who knows no law of God nor man! (Exeunt singing)
III.1 (The back room of the Magic Box. Enter BUFFY and SPIKE)
S: I fear I must away, to save thy life
B: What does this mean? For all thy lack of soul
My sister and myself thou oft hast saved
S: In tragic mode this spell doth have us trapped
And tragedy, I fear, doth mark my love
Remember Greg'ry Peck and beauteous Mistress Jones
In that wild tale we saw on DVD?
How love and hate did flame, each raising each to height
Until with leaden balls each tore the others flesh
In union more perfect than life could bear
Were not this spell in force, our love might end
In my free-falling dust and thy heart's blood
I know thou longst for peace, and for myself
To die by thy sweet hand would be no pain
B: I would not find that peace. Dost thou not know?
I sought not death upon that fatal peak
I thought of naught but life, the world's and my dear sib's
And for that gift, 'tis sure my death was blessed
To seek for death, I fear, is grievous sin
And would consign me to some darker spot
S: Yet I am truly damned, and thou must know
That pain and sweet delight are not for us opposed
In Hell we may yet meet, and burning flame
May kindle sweeter flames and endless joy
B: This is the morbid stuff I would expect
From one who seeks to pull me 'neath the waves
I see within LJs how black-lipped Goths
Do write such dismal stuff in foolish dreams
And think grim Death a perfect gentle knight
And kiss his skull, and lewdly use his bones
But I have seen the truth that such trash hides
And known the end of mother, friends and self
To know the dark is wise, but to believe
That dark alone is truth and light a lie
Is foolery, for sentimental brats
That true pain ne'er has laid its hand upon
E'en were I sure that joy again would wrap
Me in a cloud of comfort and of peace
I could not leave my sister and my friends
To face the dark without my strong right arm
S: Then let me leave, for I must be thy doom
B: What if my doom is lack of thy bold aid?
What if I die with none to guard my back?
If we are doomed, our doom will come for sure
And flight will not prevent its sure and deadly aim
If thou wouldst be a man and not a beast
Then fight for life with me and seek not death
(Alarum. Enter WILLOW)
W: The base knave Meers, and both his mountebanks
Approach us here with conjured demon force
B: Then arm for battle! Spike, art thou with me?
S: With all my heart, for life and love of thee(Exeunt)
III.2 (A street. Enter WARREN, ANDREW and JONATHAN mounted before an ARMY OF DEMONS)
Wa: The bitch shall die!
A: As Doomsday fierce and bold
Did smash the Last of Krypton in his pomp!
(Exeunt WARREN, ANDREW and ARMY. JONATHAN tarries)
J: My lazy evil fast begins to burn
My soul with fire like unto a Hell
And yet like Hell nothing does it consume
I joined with them for sport! O God forgive me!
My sleep is filled with dark presentiments
Of future punishment for bitter crimes
For fair Katrina raped and foully slain
And Slayer torturè:d to feed Meers' lust
Once at the prom I crowned her Protector
And her sweet smile did warm my lonely nights
When I did steal her powers, like a saint
With stern yet loving warning she forgave
And thus do I repay her kindnesses
Like false Mollari compact with the dark
Or Turlough plotting death for kindly Doc
Yet like both these, I still may yet repent
But yet I fear that Meers may work my death
Though I am base, I may yet save my saint
Foul Meers I shall unto the Gang betray
If so I may and still preserve my life
For I do fear that I am yet unsaved
O Lord preserve my soul, but if I die
Consent that Meers may also come to fry (Exit)
III.3 (The street before the Magic Box. Enter from the right BUFFY, SPIKE, WILLOW, DAWN and the CLOWN in arms, and from the left WARREN, ANDREW, JONATHAN and their ARMY likewise)
Meers, if your Art did place us in this coil
Know that the laws of drama you invoked
Decree your death as equal price for mine
Therefore, surrender. Though your many crimes
Deserve the highest penalty of law
Know that, if you submit yourself in peace
To human law, all vengeance I do quit
For human blood I hate and fear to spill
Wa: Thy prattle, slut, doth bore me near to death
As for my life, I hold it but a toy
To end thy life, though my life be the price
Will bring me fame to last a thousand years (All commence to do battle)
A: Oh spirits, let the name of Wells
Be famed as Octopus, or Servalan! (The CLOWN knocks him senseless with a single blow. As ANDREW falls, the DEMONS dissipate. WARREN and BUFFY fight, and WARREN falls.)
Wa: Strike true, and end my foul designs. For I
Did drive thee from thy wits, did rape my love
And break her head with bloody shattered glass
And make thee take the blame, with matchless zeal,
Upon thy spotless head. All this and more
I did with joy, and if thou letst me live
Will do again. Dispatch! (Buffy moves to stab him with her sword, but hesitates and pulls her blow. As she hesitates, Warren strikes a low blow with a hidden dagger than would have killed her as she finished him)
B: You bastard! You wanted us to die together? You think that's romantic?
XANDER: Hey, no more verse! And I'm not the CLOWN any more! I've got my name back!
W: That's all that it took to break the spell! Of course!
W: Don't you see? We were in a tragedy. Tragedies happen because people do dumb stuff over vengeance and honour. You did something right!
(There is a clap of thunder. PROLOGUE appears in a cloud of smoke and dust.)
Pr: Though you have broke my spell, I am not weak
Prepare to meet your doom, quail and look meek!
B: Uh, Will? Any special way to kill this?
S: You sod! You made me show I had a bloody classical education! And your extemporisation's lousy! (He hurls himself at PROLOGUE and tears him limb from limb)
W: Well, that works...
A: (Recovering consciousness) Q'THAGUN Q'THAG Q'THAG!
(Three winged demons appear from the sky, grab the dazed TRIO and fly away)
S: Shut him up, next time, someone.
X: Is this over now!
B: More or less. Happy ending. Doesn't that make it a comedy?
S: (wolfishly) They end in marriage.
(Spike and Buffy yell at each other as we FADE TO BLACK)
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