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Acting Lessons LadyStarlight - July 18, 2003
A/N: This was originally written for the 3rd Lyric Wheel challenge (lyrics can be found here). If you read it there or in my LJ, it looks different now. That's because DeadSoul came up with the brilliant idea of rewriting it into script format. It's my first foray into script format, so be kind.
INT. A.I. OFFICE - DAY ANGLE: CORDELIA AND DOYLE CORDELIA is standing beside her desk, holding a piece of paper in one hand, the other at her throat. DOYLE is leaning against the wall (he's obviously had a rough night), also holding a piece of paper.
Oh, Biff, we mustn't do this! It's wrong, so very, very wrong!
Now, Jessica, it's not like you to take your vows seriously. CORDELIA turns away from DOYLE and leans on the desk. He takes this opportunity to do a little discreet ogling.
But Biff, you're still married to my twin sister. Yes, she's still in a coma, but that shouldn't matter!
Don't, don't, hang on a mo, yeah? He runs his finger down the paper, trying to find his place.
Doyle! She's starting to get pissed, hands on hips, frowning, the whole nine yards.
I got it, I got it. Don't even realize that I'm wantin' you to fulfill my needs, do you? This is starting to get a little close to home for DOYLE. He turns his head away from CORDELIA and we see a pained expression cross his face.
I can't fulfill your needs, Biff. DOYLE takes a deep breath and turns back to CORDELIA.
Jessica, you're the only one who can. Now come here.
No, Biff. I won't. Not as long as, as, as whatsherface lies in that hospital bed. DOYLE has the snickers. His face works as he stares at his piece of paper.
Quit laughing! DOYLE manages to get ahold of himself and gets his serious face back.
Just for further reference, your sister's name is Priscilla. Quite the little Puritan, yeah? CORDELIA'S eyes light up. She loves explaining this stuff, and DOYLE will hang on her every word - because him lurves her. She's talking faster and faster, arms waving around to get her point across.
Actually no. She's in the coma because of crashing her Porsche into the stone wall surrounding her lover's estate while fleeing from Interpol because of stealing some honkin' big diamond or something because she needed the money to pay for her mother's therapy bills so her mother wouldn't try for custody of her daughter. I'm not really up on the backstory. DOYLE looks a tad confused - do we blame him?
Well, really, who could be? Next line?
Please.
You know why Priscilla's in that bed! Don't make me say it out loud, damnit! He has pushed himself away from the wall by now. Getting into the spirit of the thing, he turns completely away from Cordelia. She comes up to him and places a gentle hand on his shoulder.
Oh, Biff, don't. I can't say it either! He turns back to her and seizes her by her upper arms, dropping the paper.
Then don't. He is leaning in now, is he going to go for it?
Don't say anything while I - CORDELIA has smacked him hard on his arm, with the patented "I can't believe you're so stupid" Cordelia expression.
Ow! DOYLE lets her go and steps back, rubbing the sore spot. ANGLE: THE FRONT DOOR OF A. I., LOOKING PAST THE BICKERING DUO. ANGEL IS LEANING AGAINST HIS DOORJAMB. HE IS PUZZLED.
What was that? DOYLE'S a bit sulky now.
Method acting.
Hmph. Thanks for the run-through, I guess
Welcome. He watches her go out the door, a wistful expression on his face, still rubbing his sore arm.
What was that, 'Biff'? DOYLE starts and has to compose himself before pasting his happy-go-lucky expression on his face and turning to face ANGEL.
Soap opera, yeah? A, and I quote, "small yet pivotal role that will pay for my SAG card and get me on their health insurance plan for a year." ANGEL is visibly stunned by this tidbit. He walks over to his desk and sits down, rifling through some papers and opening desk drawers, obviously looking for something. ANGLE: FOLLOWING DOYLE INTO ANGEL'S OFFICE.
Health insurance? Cordelia could get her own health insurance? ANGEL stares at a check he's pulled from a desk drawer.
That would save me - a whole hell of a lot each month. He is still staring at the check, lips moving like he's doing math in his head. (another vampire talent, don't you know?)
It's the fragility factor with humans. Makes 'em harder to repair. DOYLE pulls a chair up to Angel's desk and flops into it. His feet automatically start propping themselves on the desk, but at a glare from ANGEL, they place themselves tidily on the floor. ANGEL takes one last look at the check, then gets his almost smirk on his face.
So what'd she smack you for, 'Biff'? ANGLE: DOYLE'S STARTLED, EMBARRASSED FACE.
FADE OUT
INT. A.I. OFFICE - DAY ANGLE: CORDELIA'S FACE She looks all resolve-y and impassioned here - of course, on Cordelia, it just looks kinda pissy.
I will not allow you to do this! ANGLE: DOYLE, SPRAWLED IN CORDELIA'S DESK CHAIR He is smirking as he looks down at a piece of paper in his hand.
Oh? Who's gonna stop me, then?
I will. With my Sigaur 45. A beat. With your what? You're not Dirty Harriet, princess. DOYLE snickers a bit. CORDELIA'S face falls and her mouth moves as she rereads the line.
Crap. Hang on, okay, here we go. She looks up at DOYLE again and:
With my trusty Sig Sauer. I never trust men, but I always trust my gun.
Shouldn't trust that either, you never know when someone might... DOYLE attempts a leer.
repair it for you. CORDELIA rolls her eyes at the attempted leer, but carries on bravely
I never let it out of my sight. Still with the leering here.
Never?
Never. DOYLE is squinting at the page in irritation.
Who writes this crap? CORDELIA isn't bothering to restrain the eye rolling this time. Or the foot tapping on the floor.
Just say the next line!
It wasn't in your sight last night, was it? He's doing a little eye-rolling of his own right now.
You mean - ANGLE: DOYLE DOYLE gets up from the chair and stalks over in front of CORDELIA, who is doing her best shocked face. He tries to put the big leery menace in his voice as he says
Yes. After we made love, I removed the firing pin. You're helpless now. ANGLE: CORDELIA And it's back to the stalwart look.
I'm never helpless. She takes a breath, then punches DOYLE right in the nose. ANGLE: DOYLE Blood starts gushing. [Note to MAKEUP and COSTUME: lots of blood and make it messy.] He doesn't even duck - it's obviously written in the 'script' they are following. He brings his hands to his nose (you know what I mean, it's the "oh, it hurts, but I gotta feel around" thing) and.
Damn ib, Gordelia! Pull your punches! ANGLE: CORDELIA What? Pull what? She is shocked by all the blood, but honestly puzzled by his reaction. ANGLE: DOYLE Your punches! Oooo, he's mad now!
You didn't seriously thing thad it was for real ib da mobies, did you? ANGLE: CORDELIA And bless her little self-centered heart, the other shoe is starting to drop. Her voice trails off at the end of the line.
You mean it's not? ANGLE: DOYLE
Do! Dere are stunt beoble who work hard making id look real. You fake it. ANGLE: CORDELIA
Oh. She's trying her best to look sorry here - but there's still puzzlement.
Um, sorry? ANGLE: OVER DOYLE'S SHOULDER DOYLE turns away from CORDELIA and wrenches open the door into ANGEL'S office. He stomps through the door, slams it behind him and throws himself into a chair. ANGEL is pretty much speechless. ANGLE: ANGEL AND DOYLE
Christ od a bloody crutch, you got adything around here to drink? And maybe sobething to mop up with? ANGEL rummages in a desk drawer and pulls out a bottle. He looks at a sparkly clean, white handkerchief that is on the corner of his desk (why? Because I'm the writer and I said so!), sighs audibly and passes both over to DOYLE.
Here. What was that? DOYLE'S voice is muffled by the no longer sparkly clean handkerchief he has pressed to his face. He takes a drink from the bottle and grimaces before answering.
Action mobie ob da week. A "sball yet pividal role that will yadda yadda yadda". Why do I put byself through this? ANGEL'S doing the 'lean back in the desk chair and try not to laugh' thing.
Because you think she's hot. Long pause here while DOYLE takes another drink from the bottle and ponders what ANGEL just said.
Oh, ob course.
FADE OUT
INT. A.I. OFFICE - DAY ANGLE: DOYLE He is perched on the corner of Cordelia's desk, looking at yet another piece of paper.
You're supposed to scream here.
CORDELIA ANGLE: CORDELIA She looks at him expectantly.
How was that? PULL BACK FROM CORDELIA ANGLE: DOYLE AND CORDELIA
Dunno, you screamed a lot louder when Angel accidentally let the mouse loose from the trap. Cordelia is a little wounded.
I can't just summon up that kind of terror on demand, ,br> you know! ANGLE: DOYLE He is incredulous at this statement.
Isn't that what acting is all about? PULL BACK TO DOYLE AND CORDELIA Cordelia is mildly pouty, but recognizes that just this once, he may be right.
Fine. AHHHHHHHHH!
DOYLE
CORDELIA She moves as if to smack him on the arm. He scootches along the desk until he's out of reach. He's learned his lesson.
Or what? And having learned another lesson, he says
Kiss, kiss, kiss; smooch, smooch, smooch - your line. ANGLE: ANGEL'S OFFICE, LOOKING TOWARDS THE DOOR Angel is standing beside his door, which is open just enough to let us see DOYLE perched on the desk. ANGLE: DOYLE AND CORDELIA
Hey, did you hear something? She rolls her eyes and she and DOYLE share a companionable smile. ANGLE: ANGEL Still listening at the door.
Talk about corny. ANGLE: DOYLE AND CORDELIA Doyle's not gonna push his luck here, he goes for the safe zone.
I didn't hear anything.
CORDELIA
DOYLE (off her look)
Sorry, sorry. If you really think you heard something, of course I'll go look.
CORDELIA
DOYLE Cordelia shrugs her shoulders.
Don't know. It just says pause for Billy's gruesome death. Eww, they're honest, at least. ANGLE: ANGEL He reluctantly cracks a smile as we hear DOYLE snicker. ANGLE: DOYLE AND CORDELIA
What kind of arrested development adolescent is still called 'Billy' when he's old enough to grope girls? Cordelia grins, then quickly wipes it off.
Hush up. Okay, that's long enough. Billy? She mimes walking towards something.
Billy? Okay, it's a window - she mimes pulling back a curtain and looking out.
BILLY! The 'curtain' drops back into place and she's shrieking with the classic 'horror face' - hands to cheeks, eyes wide
Noooo! Doyle beams at her.
Lovely, princess. She flashes him a big, sunny Cordelia smile and grabs her purse as she walks to the door.
Thanks! Wish me luck?
DOYLE He holds the smile on his face until the door closes - then he lets it drop and we see how much he cares. ANGLE: ANGEL Angel opens his door all the way.
So what 'small yet pivotal role' is she up for this time? Doyle is not startled by this, leading us to believe that he knew what Angel was doing the whole time. Still facing the door.
Slasher flick. She says Jennifer Aniston got her start in some piece of dreck called "Leprechaun".
ANGEL ANGLE: DOYLE He rolls his eyes just a touch. ANGLE: ANGEL AND DOYLE Doyle hops off the desk and faces Angel with a smirk on his face. He's obviously heard a whole lot more than he ever wanted to about the subject.
Oh yeah. FADE OUT.
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