February 22 2002
"O.K. It's done." Jonathan hit a few keystrokes on his computer to finalize the set up. "We are now good to go, and I personally believe this job would get the Lambda Lambda Lambda seal of approval."
Andrew looked up from tinkering with some USB cables to check out the monitors. The screens powered up to six views of inside the Summers' house. The evil trio had successfully installed webcams without being detected.
"This is waay cool," Andrew said. "You are just like Robert Carradine." Andrew looked at Jonathan in awe.
"Are you kidding me?" Jonathan retorted. "I'm like Anthony Edwards. I'll get the girl in the end."
The back of the van door opened and Warren hopped in to check on the progress of the other two. "Yeah right." Warren interrupted. "I always pictured you more like Booger or Lamar." Jonathan looked offended.
"So is it fully functional?" Warren asked Jonathan.
"Look for yourself," Jonathan pointed to the six monitors. "Each monitor represents a cam. Clockwise from left, you have kitchen, living room, Dawn's room, Buffy's room, Willow's room and my personal favorite... the bathroom shower! This is going to be so cool." Andrew and Jonathan attempted the troika's new evil handshake. They grabbed each other's elbows and slid their hands along the other's arms till their hands met, slapped the hands front to back and shot fingerguns to seal the deal. Warren looked physically sick. He turned his head in disgust.
"It better be," Warren snapped. "Look, you two dolts, this is to monitor Buffy and how she interacts with her friends. To try and find something we can easily use against her. If we can pit her friends against her... that will weaken her. So don't treat this as free cable porn. This is a legitimate mission. Now can you two guys handle watching them?" Warren glared at his companions and fumbled for the door handle. "I need to go take care of some business."
"Yes." Jon and Andrew chimed in, in a less than enthusiastic manner.
"Now don't botch this up. I'll be back in the morning." He slammed the van door and walked towards downtown.
Andrew and Jon looked at each other with diabolical grins. "This is going to rock!" As the night progressed, the two's faces turned from excitement to interested, to less interested to downright bored.
"Oh my god this sucks", Andrew cried. "This is the most boringest thing ever. No body is even in the house and it's 11 PM. We have been watching this for 4 hours and NOTHING!"
Jonathan lifted his head up from leaning back in his chair. "They don't even have a pet. This is worse than a petcam. No pet, no nothin."
Suddenly there was a noise from one of the middle monitors. They heard the door slam, and Dawn entered the living room and plopped down on the sofa.
The two froze in astonishment. "Its about time something happened. Please, please turn on the TV." Andrew begged the monitor.
"What good is that going to do!" Jonathan glared at Andrew. "You positioned the camera so we can't even see the television."
"Well this totally bites," Andrew slumped back in his chair and crossed his arms. "You know there is a Xena marathon on Oxygen tonight."
"Isn't that a channel for women?" Jon asked with a confused look.
"Is it?" Andrew looked puzzled. "Anyway it's a Xena marathon! They are going to show the hot tub episode tonight," He snickered.
Jonathon went berserk. "Regardless, we can't watch it," he screamed. "We have to watch these monitors, and no body is home but the girl. She's vegging, and I'm going crazy. Can't you do something?"
Andrew smirked. "Ya know... as webmaster of the Xenaforever website.. I just finished a hot fanfict that would be killer to see re-enacted."
Jon started panicking. "There is NO WAY I'm role-playing with you. you sicko." Jon threw a nerf ball, hitting Andrew in the face.
"Not with me," Andrew made an "ewwww" face and paused. "You do like glamour spells, though." Andrew spoke under his breath.
"What did you say?" Jon asked.
"Nothing!" Andrew quickly responded. "Why can't we get our nemeses to act out the parts? That way we are still watching the monitors.. and kinda watching an episode of Xena at the same time!" Andrew's smile widened as he called up his fansite. On his laptop "Zenaforever.com" materialized with two torches burning on each side of the logo. A midi file played the theme song upon loading and Xena's Shakram spun in the background.
"Why is Xena spelled with a Z?" Jon looked puzzled.
"Xenaforever with an X was already taken, so I had to spell it with a Z to match the URL" Andrew paused to glare at Jonathon. "Don't worry about that anyway.. now look here." He clicked on the fanficts link. "This is what we will do. I take this fresh fanfict of mine.. make some adjustments to the names to represent our foes and we have an instant play! Start the popcorn mister while I set some quick parameters." Andrew licked his lips. "This is totally going to rock."
"Now first off we need to get everyone back at the house, so I'll cast a spell making the house as the stage area. And with the tap of the enter key... everyone will report to the house." Andrew smashed the return key and smoke arose from his finger. Andrew stretched and reached for his Big Gulp drink. He pumped his straw in and out of the container's top. The noise grated on Jonathan's nerves. Jonathan had to resist the urge to knock out the drink from Andrew's hands.
"This," Andrew paused and slurped his soda, "is going to be good."
Buffy put her clothes on, and she inched her leather dress around her hips. The leather strips swirled around her legs. She snapped her breastplate over her left, then her right shoulder and turned around to face Spike. Spike turned his head slowly and levered himself off the floor, revealing his bare upper body. His eyebrows suddenly arched. Buffy stood before Spike fully dressed as Xena the warrior princess.
"We gotta get back to the house," Xander huffed as he ran with Anya down the street. Xander stumbled as he tried to get used to the clunky wardrobe he'd been magically put into. "Hey wait up! I have no shoes on here!" Anya shouted back. He turned to Anya and admired the view for a second. She was wearing next to nothing, just a sophisticated bra and panty set with a feather boa. Xander smiled in appreciation, then looked frightened. "We gotta get you covered." He grabbed Anya's hand and continued running down the street.
As they reached the porch, Willow arrived too in a green top and brown skirt, holding a wooden pole. Xander nodded his head, "This is sad, but this is starting to make sense." Xander's pointed hat fell over his eyes. He pushed it back up so he could see and opened the door. The three of them entered the house, shouting for Dawn the whole time.
Buffy burst through the back door with Spike in tow. He was rolling his eyes and suppressing a grin as Buffy screamed for Dawn. Xander, Willow, and Anya stared at Spike's new thick black goatee and burst out laughing as he made his way into the light of the foyer. "Right, right," Spike said. "Very funny indeed. Have you taken a look at yourselves recently?" Everyone looked at everyone else.
Dawn walked into the entryway stretching and rubbing her eyes. "What's going on out here? Oh...you...ha ha ha!" She sank down onto the bottom stair, still pointing at Spike. "Very well, get it all out." Spike smirked. "Did you do this, Lit'le Bit?"
"No!" Dawn frowned and tears came to her eyes. "Why do you guys always think it's my fault?" She pouted.
"Okay Dawn, we're down with the not-youness of this particular scene?" Buffy sat down on the step and tried to calm Dawn down. "But does anyone know what gives?" Buffy looked to the other scoobies.
Xander slowly raised his hand. "I.. I.. have a good idea. Now, don't call me nerdy or anything but this is straight out of Xena." Xander waved his hand at Buffy's outfit. "You, my dear, are Xena. Fully equipped with Shakram. This monster here with the mustache is Ares, god of war." Xander then pointed to Anya. "She is Aphrodite. I unfortunately am Joxer and Willow to my left is Gabrielle. Which is fitting since Willow is all.. you know... hmm.. and Gabrielle is all... you know.."
"All what?" Willow asked.
Anya looked puzzled. She stared hard at Xander. "And you know all this how?"
"So who am I?" Dawn squealed. "You my dear," Xander held his hands together as in prayer, "You are Amarice who appeared in, I think, 5 episodes of Xena. She was the girl amazon."
"Hey, that's kinda cool." Dawn giggled and posed in a fighting stance.
Back in the van
Andrew and Jonathan looked at each other after looking at the monitors and each grabbed a handful of popcorn.. "Let the play begin shall we?" Andrew typed in a quick code.. 5318008.
"5 3 1 8 0 0 8. That looks awfully familiar. What is that again?" Jonathan looked at the code.
"That's my private code for our little play," Andrew nodded.
Jonathan looked again."But it's all numbers," he whined. "God, you are such a nerd."
"It's boobies." Andrew stated. "It's boobies, upside down. Type in 5318008 on your calculator, turn it upside down and it spells boobies...ok? Happy now? If you are lucky after watching my magnificent play you might actually see some - I have this great scene with Xena and Gabrielle."
Jonathon squinted at Andrew. "Whatever, can we get on with it?"
"As you wish," Andrew replied and hit Return. Marble colored rings encircled each webcam in the house and shrink-wrapped themselves around the devices. Magical dust then fell to the ground.
Inside the house
The scoobies stood in the foyer looking at each other in amazement.
"Can we take this into the living room?" Anya shuddered. "Its kinda crowded in this small space. Buffy, you should really think about expanding it, if we're going to be doing this on a regular basis, don't you think?"
Spike and Anya entered the living room first and was immediately possessed by their characters. Spike... now as Ares turned back to the rest of them and smiled. Anya nonchalantly shrugged and glowed with happiness as if she enjoying seeing everyone together. As the others entered the living room, they all transformed into their characters. Buffy entered last and transformed into Xena.
The fanfic begins....
"This is the Last Time, Ares!!" Xena yelled at the blond with the goatee.
"But you enjoyed every bit of it babe." Ares responded. "You can't get enough of me." Ares grabbed Xena and pulled her close.
"C'mon you two... can't you feel the love?" Aphrodite clutched her hands to her heart and swayed back and forth.
"Over my dead body," Gabrielle stomped the ground. "Mine too." Joxer dorkily added. Joxer shook his walking stick at the group, nearly taking out Gabrielle's head.
"Hey, now wait a minute." Ares held his hands up, motioning for quiet. During this time Amarice crept around the group discussion and inched behind Ares/Spike. She pounced on his back. "Alright you." She screamed. "This is for ruining our tribe." She pulled on Spike's/Ares' forehead and held a dagger against his neck, preparing to slit his throat. Ares teetered against the coffee table and tried to regain balance. The weight of Amarice was too much and he swung her around into Xena and Gabrielle. All four fall back into the foyer.
They shook their heads, regaining awareness and looked at their tangled arms and legs. Spike immediately spoke up, "I haven't been in a position like this in quite a while. Good times, good times." His voice was nostalgic. Buffy physically jabbed Spike in the ribs and stood up. Willow jumped up and looked embarrassed. "That was quite an interesting experience... the possession and all. Not the lying in a pile of people thing!" Willow explained. Dawn popped Spike in the forehead. "That's for acting all pervo!"
"You jumped on my back, lassy!" Spike said from the floor. He tried to stand up and Buffy popped him again. "Is this beat up Spike day? Damn this bloody house!" Spike crossed his arms under his head and leaned back with a resigned look on his face. Dawn looked in the living room and saw Xander trying to look down Anya's top. "Are they ok?"
"I think they are still in character," Buffy said. "Whatever's going on, its plain weird. I'm going to try to get out of these clothes." She marched upstairs.
"Need help with that, love?" Spike asked as Buffy headed up the stairs. Dawn aimed a kick at Spike's ribs. "Euwww. Is that all you ever think about?" Spike rolled to his feet. "Course, Bit. I'm the Big Bad, remember?"
Willow headed up the stairs too. "This is like the Halloween costumes, I think. We need to get out of these clothes."
Dawn and Spike stood in the foyer admiring their own clothing. "I actually like my outfit thank you," Dawn preened.
"I think these are bloody decent black breeches too!" Spike added. "I don't think these clothes are magical though." Spiked sniffed his shirt and was repulsed. Dawn pointed to Xander and Anya in the living room. "I can't tell if they are still possessed or if they are just role playing." Xander stared at Anya's boobs and after noticing his actions, Anya slapped Xander and knocked the hat off his head. Spike said with a smirk, "Yeah, looks like the loving couple to me."
Buffy reached the top of the stairs. "Hey Willow, can you help me get the back to this." Buffy said and pointed behind her neck. As she and Willow walked into Buffy's room, they were transformed into Xena and Gabrielle.
"Let me see if you are ok," Gabrielle said and held Xena's arms. Gabrielle turned Xena around and inspected her body. "You seem fine; I don't see any bruises or cuts."
"That's good," Xena replied. "That Ares is vicious. He just gets under your skin."
"Look," Gabrielle said. "He's not around now. As long as we can avoid him, we can get back to our journey."
"Right," Xena said. "I just feel that he's up to something."
"Here. Sit down and I'll give you a massage," Gabrielle tried to soothe Xena. They both sat down on the bed, and Gabrielle loosen Xena's breastplate. Xena took off her protective gear and underneath she wore a dusty knitted undershirt.
Andrew and Jonathan's eyes got really big as they stared at monitor four. "This is the scene I was telling you about..." Andrew slightly tapped on Jon's shoulder. "I'm such a good writer," Andrew smiled at his work.
"Whatever," Jonathan squinted. "The writing is stilted and lame, and look at those two." Jon pointed at Xander and Anya on monitor 2. "They're just standing there. And since your little play has specific scenes with specific characters, the characters not in the scene just stand there almost motionless. And what about Spike and Dawn? They aren't in character anymore. It's the cameras isn't it? They control the action?" Jonathan asked.
"Yes," Andrew replied. "You must be in the sight of the camera to be transformed into character. Its how the spell works. But for the most part, we have them doing my script, that's cool enough, and besides, you are missing the two lovebirds in the bedroom." Andrew motioned towards monitor 4.
Back in Buffy's Bedroom
Gabrielle worked on Xena's neck. Xena tilted her head to the left and then right, feeling her vertebrae pop with every motion of Gabrielle's hands. "This is working," said Xena. "You always know how to make me feel better." Xena reached with her left hand and caressed Gabrielle's head. She leaned her head back. To Andrew and Jonathon it looked like they were just about to kiss when a giant blonde broke through the glass and thudded on the floor disrupting Gabrielle and Xena.
In the van
"This is not in my fanfict." Andrew grabbed his laptop to check the wording of his fanfict. He looked back at the monitor and the blonde leathery girl stood up and brushed the glass off herself.
"What's happening?" Jonathon couldn't understand why Andrew was so upset.
Is that Callisto?" Jonathan asked Andrew. "Cause for an arch nemesis, she's butt ugly." Jonathan leaned towards the monitor to get a better look.
Andrew screamed, "Callisto, she's not supposed to be in my story. Something's wrong! Who is that?"
Jonathan's eyes doubled in size. "Oh my god that's Warren! Warren's in a wig. What the hell have you done Andrew!" He turned to Andrew. "We've got to fix this...and fix this fast!"
Back in Buffy's Bedroom
Callisto cracked her neck and prepared to tackle Xena. Xena and Gabrielle jumped off the bed. Xena charged headfirst into Callisto's gut and rammed her against the wall. Picture frames crashed to the ground. Callisto pushed Xena away and pulled out her sword. Xena grabbed her shakram and clutched it towards her own chest. "Are you surprised?" Callisto could barely force her voice through her gritted teeth.
Spike ran up the stairs and from the hallway saw the fracas that was taking place. "What the bloody hell?" Spike jumped into the room to help Buffy, but the spell turned him into Ares before his foot hit the floor.
Gabrielle turned to Ares and hit him immediately with her pole. "This is too much, Ares and Callisto at the same time?" Gabrielle screamed at Xena.
"Do your best to hold him off," Xena shouted back to back with Gabrielle. "I've got an idea!"
Xena threw her shakram and it bounced off the wall towards Callisto. Callisto blocked the shakram with her sword. It ricocheted past Ares' head off the back wall and smashed into the shelf that held the hidden webcam. The webcam exploded, sending parts, dolls and bits of shelving flying through the room. Monitor 4 turned to static and went offline.
"Oh crap!" Jonathon turned to Andrew.
Everyone in Buffy's room slowly returned to themselves. After gaining lucidity, Buffy and Spike grabbed Warren to hold him down. "What in the hell is going on?" Buffy yelled in Warren's face.
"I .. I .. don't know!" Warren stuttered. "I don't know what gives, honestly!"
"Then why were you coming through my window?" Buffy demanded. Spike restrained Warren from running away.
"Look." Warren spoke towards the broken webcam on the floor. "I'm sure I don't have to say a WORD! I know I can be TRANSPORTED out of here.. "
"WHAT are you DOING?" Buffy rolled her eyes as she mimicked Warren. Willow followed Warren's eyes to the webcam. "I think this is our problem!" Willow held up the broken camera.
It was small and fit easily into Willow's hand. There were remnants of magic fizzling around the camera. "This.. This thing had magic on it!"
"Magic?" Warren questioned. "Those idiots!!"
Spike was vaguely impressed by the curses Warren was raining down on his cohort's heads. "Idiots are they? So all three of you twits are involved?"
Back at the vanAndrew and Jonathan were in panic mode. "Did Warren say transport??" Jonathan asked Andrew.
"I don't know" Andrew jumped around looking for a magic book. "I couldn't hear everything he said, since the camera in the bedroom blew up. That was cool, though, wasn't it? All we can hear comes from the other working cameras. Since they're in different rooms the sound isn't that great."
"I'm pretty sure Warren wants us to get him out of there," Jonathan added. "Can we do some sort of rewind spell or something?"
"We don't have time!" Andrew said frantically. Tossing aside a bunch of DoubleMeat Palace wrappers, he reached for a matchbox van that resembled their own vehicle. "ADJICIO IN PLAUSTRUM!" he shouted. Warren disappeared from Buffy's room and Spike fell to the floor. "What the bloody hell!"
In the Bedroom
Buffy turned to Willow. "Make sure the others are ok and see if we can find the other two dorks."
"Wait!" Willow responded. "These cameras seemed to be controlling us. There was probably one in the living room too."
"They could be all over." Buffy added. "We need to be careful. We know the hallway and the area in front of the stairs are safe. Let's work from there."
Willow ran down the stairs and found Dawn, Xander and Anya still role playing in the living room. Joxer was trying to entertain Aphrodite, Aphrodite was ignoring Joxer and Amarice was drinking water from a flask. "Buffy, come down here!" Willow yelled up to the second floor.
Spike and Buffy ran down the stairs. "I see the camera," Willow pointed to the miniature camera carefully placed on a picture frame. Buffy ran up the stairs, pulled the shakram from the wall in her bedroom, and ran back down the stairs.
"Ok. here goes." Buffy flung the disc into the picture frame. The camera exploded and fizzled with electricity.
Dawn, Xander and Anya awoke from their altered states. Xander fell face first into Anya's bosom. Xander then popped back up, embarrassed. "Sorry for the unexpected PDA. I think." Xander exclaimed. "Anya, lets go home and cover up your T&A."
"I do believe that was quite a unique experience," Anya added. Dawn looked around, totally confused.
"Good." Buffy scanned the living room for more cameras as she spoke. "Everyone is ok. We need to do a sweep of the house and look for any more cameras. Two people to a room. One person in a room at a time and the other watches from the clean area. If anyone starts acting weird, forgets who they are or burst out into song, we know there is a camera involved."
"Well." Spike swung his duster around his shoulders. "That's my cue to leave. Good to know you chaps have this all under control." Spike saluted and left out the front door cursing "Bloody house, nice example of Hellmouth architecture."
Back at the van
Jonathon and Andrew cringed as Warren hit the roof of the van with a loud thud. They could just hear his "Ow" over the fizzes and pops from the monitors.
Jonathan opened the back of the van and peeked up out of the door. He yelled back to Andrew, "We did it! He's back!"
"Thanks so much for your concern," Warren muttered to himself from on top of the van. He fumbled for the top of the ladder and started down. After Warren got back inside the van, he looked around to see what could be salvaged.
"So why were you around the Buffy house anyway?" Andrew asked.
"I was doing recon." Warren replied. "Trying to get some upclose and personal information from Buffy's bedroom.. when I saw these insane Xena costumes. I should have known you too dolts couldn't handle this. Although you idiots screwed up as usual, tonight wasn't a total loss." From behind Warren's back he pulled out a pair of Buffy's underwear. "To the victor goes the spoils!" Warren cackled with glee. Andrew and Jonathon grinned and attempted to high-five Warren. Unfortunately, they'd forgotten about the USB cables hanging from the roof.
"So, is anything still functional?" Warren's voice turned serious.
"Like that leather skirt you are wearing?" Jonathan hid his smile behind his Big Gulp. Warren was not amused.
"We were able to disable the spell on the cameras, so they couldn't detect any more strange activity," Jonathan said.
"But Buffy and friends knocked all almost all the cameras," Andrew cried. "The shower cam too!" He pointed with shaking fingers to monitor 6.
"Almost?" Warren asked.
"We still have Dawn's camera working," Andrew pointed to monitor 3.
"We do?" Warren looked surprised. He looked closely at the monitor. It showed Dawn sitting on her bed gloating over with what seemed to be some magical device, probably stolen from the magic store.
"This will do." Warren said. "Believe it or not...this will do...."
Like this? Hate it? Please let the author know -- it makes us all happy. (well, maybe not if you hated it, but you get the idea.)
The essays are copyrighted by the respective authors. Fiction authors own the copyrights
on their plots, word choices, and indedependent characters, but do not hold copyright over
any characters already created or owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enterprises, Twentieth
Century Fox, or anyone else we've forgotten. Copying an author's original work without
permission is still a no-no; if you're going to quote an author, please ask permission
and give credit. If you'd like to link to an author's work, please link to the main
site. Thank you.